VIKING CRUISE
by Linda Campanella

Characters:
He & She (husband and wife)
A Viking (playing all the other parts)

Costumes:
Viking hat and beard (Viking even wears the beard as Katrina)
He & She can wear tourist togs, if desired

Props:
Viking axe & other hand weapons, whistle, whip, towel, dish

She: Oh, honeybunch, I can't believe we're finally doing it! We're going on a cruise! I've always wanted to take a cruise vacation, and now we're really going!

He: You deserve it, lambie-pie. So I went to the travel agency and booked us two tickets with Viking Cruises. It'll be great.

She: And now we're here on an actual cruise ship. I'm so excited! I don't know what to do first.

He: There are a million things to do on a cruise ship. Let's start exploring.

She: I wonder what's in here?

(Viking enters with whip and whistle)

Viking: Hello, I am Lars, your fitness instructor. Welcome to the gym.

He: Wow, look at all the rowing machiines. There must be 200 guys rowing.

She: And look how hard they're going at it. We'll get in shape in no time here.

Viking: Hey, you! No slacking! (cracks whip) Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!

He: That's a pretty tough work-out regimen.

She: You'll have a stroke if you row that hard. Maybe we'd better look for the beginner's class.

(Viking exits)

He: Let's look over here.

(Viking enters with towel over one arm and a dish)

Viking: Hello, I am Sven, your dining steward.

She: We've found the dining room. Look at all the tables.

He: According to the brochure, it's all you can eat, 24/7.

She: What's on the menu for today, Sven?

Viking: Our special today is braised cod.

He: Oh, I don't like fish. What else do you have?

Viking: We're also serving smoked cod, stewed cod, cod alfredo, and turkey surprise.

He: I'll have the turkey surprise.

Viking: There you go, one turkey surprise. (Hands him a dish)

She: That looks like cod.

Viking: Surprise!

He: Maybe we'll wait and eat tomorrow. What's on the menu tomorrow?

Viking: Tomorrow, we're serving baked haddock, fried haddock, haddock almondine, and...

She: Turkey surprise?

Viking: Leftover cod.

She: Well, at least you won't gain weight on this cruise.

He: I should've checked the menu before booking.

She: Don't worry, sugar lips, we can still have a good time. I'm sure there are lots of fun things to do.

He: Well, the brochure did mention lots of activities. Let's go on a shore excursion.

She: Ooh, that sounds like fun!

(Viking enters with weapons)

He: Don't tell me. You're our cruise director.

Viking: That's right.

She: And what's your name? Erik? Olaf?

Viking: Katrina.

He: Okay, Katrina, what fun activity do you have planned?

Viking: A shore excursion. We are going to raid a village. Take these. (hands weapons to He & She) Now, follow me. Attack! (Viking exits, yelling battle cry)

She: That's their idea of a fun activity?

He: This is the worst vacation ever!

She: You should've booked a cruise with Carnival.

He: But you know I hate clowns.

She: Well, what about a Disney cruise?

He: That Mickey Mouse outfit?

She: So now what do we do?

He: Complain, that's what. I'll go right to the top. The captain.

(Viking enters with axe)

Viking: Hello, I am your captain, Guido.

He: Well, I have a bone to pick with you, Captain. This cruise stinks! The food is bad, and the activities are worse. We want our money back!

Viking: I'm sorry you feel that way. I like to deal with all complaints personally.

She: You do?

Viking: That's right. (Waves axe) This is how we deal with complaints on a Viking Cruise.

He: On second thought, we're having a great time.

She: Yeah, we love this cruise.

Viking: Are you sure? 'Cause we don't want no complainers around here.

He: Who, us? We never complain. In fact, we're going on one of your awesome shore excursions right now. Come on, sweetie.

(He & She exit waving weapons and yelling "attack")

Viking: How about that? Since we started giving these axes as gifts, we've cut customer complaints down to zero. (exits)

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