by Linda Campanella

Myrtle -- a Martha Stewart-type
Dee Dee -- a manhunter
Pearl -- a tough gal and hunting fanatic
Arabella -- an extreme girly-girl

Hunting gear, Arabella's with plenty of girly touches and bling

3 rifles, one with a scope, lipstick, sign with a picture of a turkey on it, whistle, package of frozen corn, covered dish, shaker of bacon bits, perfume bottle, spray bottle, sign that says "Later", rubber chicken, pillow, plush toy penguin, plush toy turkey

Pearl comes down the center aisle with gun, looking both ways as if stalking prey.

Pearl: Psst! Anybody here yet?

Myrtle: (enters) I'm here!

Dee Dee: (enters) Me, too!

Arabella: (enters) Me, three!

Pearl: Shhh! Not so loud! We don't want to scare away the turkeys!

Myrtle: Isn't this exciting? Our very first turkey hunt. Just in time for Thanksgiving.

Dee Dee: Yeah, Thanksgiving dinner on the hoof!

Arabella: Um...turkeys don't have hooves.

Myrtle: You mean dinner on the claw.

Dee Dee: I'd rather have dinner on the table. Preferably with somebody else fixing it.

Arabella: Me, too. I can't believe you all talked me into coming out here at this ungodly hour. I think we're the only people awake in this entire time zone. And you know I need my beauty sleep.

Pearl: Beauty sleep? You've made napping an Olympic event!

Myrtle: Don't you know the early bird gets the worm?

Arabella: Well, I say if God had meant for us to get up early, He would have offered us something more enticing than worms. Yuck!

Dee Dee: Actually, I wouldn't mind mornings if they only started a little later in the day.

Pearl: Come on, you know morning is the best time for hunting. You have to sneak up on the enemy unawares, when the world is peaceful and still.

Myrtle: This isn't one of your John Wayne movies. We're hunting turkeys, not "the enemy."

Dee Dee: Well, considering we plan to eat them, I'm not sure you could call them our friends.

Arabella: Getting up early is one thing, but did we have to come all the way out here to the wilderness?

Pearl: What wilderness? It's a five-minute walk back to the Seven-Eleven where I parked my car.

Dee Dee: Did you pick up some snacks while you were there? I forgot to eat breakfast.

Myrtle: Don't worry, many parts of a pine tree are edible.

Arabella: Well, I say it's primitive. I mean, look at this floor! It looks like its never been swept.

Pearl: It's dirt. We call it "the ground." Besides, I told you we'd be roughing it.

Arabella: Roughing it? What, the rest rooms aren't clean?

Dee Dee: Rest rooms? Honey, out here, the ladies' room is a Douglas fir.

Arabella: You don't mean...?

Dee Dee: That's right. Just take any tree that isn't occupied.

Arabella: Remind me again why we're doing this?

Myrtle: Thanksgiving will be so much more meaningful when you do it yourself. That's my motto. That's my motto about everything. Do it yourself.

Pearl: We know, we know. You'll probably even cater your own funeral.

Myrtle: I've never hunted turkeys before. How will I know which one is a Butterball?

Dee Dee: Um, I don't think you'll find any Butterballs out here.

Myrtle: You mean we have to take an off brand?

Arabella: I don't care about brand if I can just get one with stuffing included.

Pearl: Turkeys don't come with the stuffing included.

Arabella: Of course they do. I've seen them in their natural habitat. A supermarket.

Dee Dee: Listen, Einstein, these are real turkeys. Live birds.

Pearl: But not for long, eh? Not once I get one in my sights.

Arabella: I don't know if I can shoot a turkey.

Dee Dee: Sure you can. Just imagine it's the guy who sat in your pew last Sunday.

Arabella: I'm serious! Turkeys are so cute.

Pearl: Cute? Have you ever taken a good look at one?

Myrtle: They have big round bodies, stick legs, and wrinkled heads...with those things hanging under the beaks.

Dee Dee: Sounds like that blind date I had last week.

Arabella: Well, I think turkeys have soulful eyes. Don't you think they have soulful eyes?

Pearl: Oh, sure. And as soon as I see one, I'm gonna blast it right between those soulful eyes. That's why I brought along this baby (pats rifle). It's called The Enforcer. A custom Winchester bold-action with a nickel-plated, hand-reamed barrel, genuine mahogany stock, and rapid-fire shell-eject action.

Myrtle: And what kind of ammo have you got in that bazooka?

Pearl: Just a clip of 8 Remington 30-30 shells, guaranteed to blow a hole through a cinder block wall or your money back.

Dee Dee: So, tell me, after you blast the turkey with that weapon of mass destruction, what'll you have left for Thanksgiving dinner?

Pearl: The idea is to shoot it and cook it all at the same time.

Arabella: I'd never carry a gun that didn't match my shoes.

Myrtle: Now this is what I call a weapon. It comes in your choice of lilac, salmon, or mint green. And I stencilled a lovely autumn-leaf pattern on the stock.

Arabella: What do you use in the shells, pot pourri?

Pearl: What about you? Didn't you even bring a gun?

Dee Dee: Well, girls, I came out this morning looking for a different sort of game.

Myrtle: But it's turkey season? What else can you hunt?

Dee Dee: Men!

Pearl: Men?

Dee Dee: Yep. You know I've been aching to get married for years. I'm tired of waiting around for somebody to call.

Arabella: I thought you were going to try online dating.

Dee Dee: I did. I sent in my profile and let the computer match me up.

Arabella: And?

Dee Dee: I got a blind date with an ipod.

Myrtle: But I'm sure you'll meet Mr. Right sooner or later.

Dee Dee: After all this time, I'd settle for Mister Close-Enough.

Pearl: I thought by this time you were resolved to being single.

Dee Dee: Yeah, when pigs freeze over! I figure if you want to catch a man, you gotta get out where the men are. So while they're out hunting turkeys, I'll be out hunting the hunters.

Arabella: I don't know about that idea.

Dee Dee: Why not? Men are always in season.

Myrtle: Are you sure this is the best place to look? What kind of man do you expect to find out here?

Dee Dee: Well, if he's out hunting, he's got to be in good health. Plus, it shows he's not lazy. And he must be a good provider, since he's trying to bring home the bacon.

Arabella: Wait, is it bacon season, too?

Dee Dee: And if he can buy a rifle, then he doesn't have a criminal record.

Pearl: I've never heard anything so ridiculous.

Dee Dee: That's easy for you to say, you've got a husband.

Myrtle: So, how is Merle these days? Why didn't he come hunting with you?

Pearl: Are you kidding? Merle never hunts for anything more elusive than a parking space.

Arabella: I know just what you mean. My Bobo said he'll come hunting with me when the turkeys come packaged inside hot dogs where they belong.

Myrtle: And my husband Floyd is no better. His idea of the great outdoors is a car with a sunroof.

Dee Dee: See what I mean? You all have husbands. But not me. This is my big chance to bag a real trophy.

Arabella: I don't know. Finding a husband out here doesn't seem very romantic.

Dee Dee: Oh, I'm not looking for romance. Romance fades with time and is replaced by something deeper, something more permanent.

Arabella: Senility?

Dee Dee: Trust!

Arabella: Oh. I meant "trust."

Pearl: Just ignore her, girls, while we serious hunters finish getting ready. Now, we've got our weapons, right? Let's load 'em up. (she checks her rifle chamber)

Myrtle: Check.

Arabella: Check.

Dee Dee: (puts on lipstick) Check.

Pearl: Now, let's go over our...

Arabella: Ooh, ooh, I see one! There's a turkey! (points offstage, fires at it, runs off to get it)

Dee Dee: I don't believe it. She got one already? Her, of all people?

Arabella: (returns carrying sign with bullet hole) I got it on the first shot! A real bullseye!

Pearl: Congratulations, you just killed a picture of a turkey.

Arabella: Oh, and it looked so real.

Myrtle: Maybe it's a sign.

Dee Dee: Of course it's a sign.

Myrtle: No, I mean an omen. Maybe it means that she'll get the first real turkey.

Pearl: That'll be the day. Forget about this lunatic, let's practice our turkey calls. Now, there are several kinds of turkey calls. Which kind were you planning to use?

Myrtle: I thought I'd just go, "Here, turkey, turkey, turkey!"

Dee Dee: No, no, a turkey call goes "Gobble, gobble, gobble."

Arabella: I thought that was the sound you make when you eat turkey.

Pearl: This is a turkey lure. You make the sound with this little thing, see? You rub this part on here, and it makes the sound. Like this (makes turkey call)

Myrtle: Hey, that's pretty good. Can you do Wayne Newton?

Arabella: What about you, Miss Manhunter? What kind of call were you planning to use?

Dee Dee: Check this out. It's not a turkey call; it's a man call. You just blow in here and...(makes engine sound)...you get a vintage 6-cylindar 235 Corvette engine. The harder you blow, the more RPMs you get. (makes engine sound again)

Pearl: You can also try a turkey lure. Now, turkeys love to eat corn...

Arabella: I thought turkeys ate stuffing.

Pearl: They eat corn.

Arabella: Then how does the stuffing get inside, huh?

Pearl: They...eat...corn! You spread some corn on the ground to lure them to you.

Dee Dee: The only corn I have is the one on my left pinkie toe.

Arabella: I brought corn. But its still frozen.

Dee Dee: Oh, that's great. Maybe a frozen turkey dinner will come for it.

Myrtle: Don't worry, I brought the corn. (produces chafing dish). It's a simple recipe, really, just add onions, basil, and a hint of paprika.

Pearl: And just what, pray tell, did you bring to use as bait?

Dee Dee: As you know, I'm not after a turkey, I'm after a man.

Arabella: So we've heard.

Dee Dee: So I'm gonna spread some of this around.

Pearl: What is it?

Dee Dee: Bacon bits! Gets 'em every time.

Myrtle: I heard that deer hunters use scents as lures.

Arabella: What a great idea!

Pearl: Too bad "sense" is the one thing you don't have.

Myrtle: Are you kidding? I'm an expert. I can whip up some lovely scented candles from ingredients found right here in this forest. Let's see, there's beeswax in that beehive, and honeysuckle over there...

Arabella: I don't think you can use scent lures on turkeys. I'm not even sure they smell.

Dee Dee: Oh, they smell, all right. Ever been down to a turkey farm? Phew!

Arabella: Well, you can sure use scent to lure a man. I used it to catch my husband. In fact, I'm wearing it now. It's called "Die and Pass On."

Pearl: Die and Pass On? What kind of name is that for perfume?

Arabella: It says so right here on the label.

Pearl: Let me see that bottle. (looks at bottle) It says "Undying Passion."

Arabella: I knew it was something like that.

Dee Dee: I've got my own man-catching scent. Here, have a whiff.

Myrtle: What is that stuff?

Dee Dee: Eau de Sawdust. Smells just like a wood shop.

Pearl: All right, then. Time to split up. We'll each head off in a different direction and meet back here in a few hours.

Myrtle: And whoever gets the biggest turkey wins.

Pearl: This isn't a contest! It's the primal struggle. Humanity vs. nature. Survival of the fittest. Got it?

Arabella: Got it!

Pearl: Let's go then. See you soon.

(All exit. Someone walks across the stage holding up a sign that says LATER)

Myrtle: Well, girls, it's good to see that you all made it back. And without shooting yourselves in the foot, too. But I think you'll find that I won the day. Cast your eyes on this! (holds up rubber chicken) All ready to roast for Thanksgiving dinner. I not only shot it, I plucked and stuffed it. Did you know you can make a lovely stuffing from pine nuts, wild berries, and tree bark?

Dee Dee: That's nice, dear.

Myrtle: (pulls out pillow) And I made this from the feathers and my extra pair of longjohns.

Pearl: Wait...you have flower-print longjohns?

Myrtle: Only for special occasions.

Arabella: That's nothing. Get a load of my turkey! (holds up penguin)

Dee Dee: That's no turkey, you turkey!

Arabella: Are you sure?

Dee Dee: Of course I'm sure!

Arabella: But, look, it's got two wings, two drumsticks...

Pearl: It's a penguin!

Arabella: Oh, well, at least it's a bird. Let's see what you got.

Pearl: I, um...didn't shoot a turkey.

Myrtle: What? The great white hunter didn't even see one?

Pearl: Oh, I saw one, all right.

Dee Dee: And you missed? I thought you could shoot a flea off a dog's back at twenty paces.

Pearl: I didn't miss! I had that turkey in my sights. I started to squeeze the trigger. And...

Myrtle: And?

Pearl: I got a good look at it through my high-powered, night-vision, laser-honed scope with 6 to 1 accu-site. And...it was so cute and innocent, I just didn't have the heart to shoot it. Here it is. I'm keeping him for a pet. Think I'll call him "Pookie." Isn't he sweet?

Dee Dee: We won't know that until you cook him.

Pearl: Never, you barbarian! Cover your ears, Pookie!

Arabella: Sigh. I knew we should've gone hunting for bacon after all.

Myrtle: What about you? Did you have any luck?

Dee Dee: Some. (calls offstage) I'll be right there, Delbert!

Pearl: I don't believe it! She got a man!

Dee Dee: Yep. Topped a rise and there they were, a whole flock of 'em coming out of a cornfield. They were parading around, trying to intimidate each other, so I laid low and hit 'em with the lure. (makes car sound) You could see they were interested. Their heads jerked up and they puffed up like balloons, each one looking around, trying to find that Corvette before the others did. I had them in my sights when one spotted the bacon bits. They all started to strut, and I went in for the kill. Culled this one out of the herd and that's when I laid the sawdust lure on him.

Myrtle: And?

Dee Dee: He's taking me out to dinner tomorrow night.

Myrtle: Where?

Dee Dee: He says any place I want, as long as they have a dollar menu. And then we're going to the baseball game.

Arabella: I bet it's another kind of diamond you're interested in.

Pearl: Quit rushing things, she just met the guy. Don't you think it's a little early to be thinking about marriage?

Dee Dee: Are you kidding? I just booked the reception hall on my Blackberry.

Myrtle: You can make lovely wedding centerpieces with dandelion leaves and turkey feathers.

Dee Dee: I'll keep that in mind. (calls offstage) Just a second, Delbert! Uh-oh, looks like he's starting to stray. (car sound) That's better. You just stay put, I'll be done in a few minutes.

Pearl: Looks like we each have something to be thankful for. You each got a turkey dinner (Myrtle and Arabella hold up their turkey and penguin)...well, sort of.

Arabella: And I got a new appreciation for the finer things in life. Like indoor plumbing.

Pearl: I got Pookie here.

Dee Dee: I think I got poison ivy.

Pearl: And she finally got a man. Who may turn out to be the biggest turkey of all.

Arabella: Actually, I kind of enjoyed today. In spite of the early-rising. And the dirt. And the cold. And the bugs. And the...

Myrtle: I enjoyed it, too. Communing with nature is so inspirational! It just makes me want to go create something. Think I'll go home and knit a wedding gown for Dee Dee here. It'll be my wedding present.

Pearl: Glad you enjoyed it. Then I'll see you all here next week.

Arabella: What's next week?

Pearl: The first day of snipe season.

Dee Dee: Sorry, I'll be busy next week, planning my bridal shower. (exit)

Myrtle: Snipe hunting? Sounds great! Count me in!

Arabella: Me, too! I'm heading to the sporting goods store right now to buy some snipe lure.

(Arabella and Myrtle exit)

Pearl: (to turkey) Y'know, Pookie? Those two might actually catch one!


copyright 2012-2022 by Linda Campanella and Whatsits Galore

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