by Linda Campanella

Spy 1
Spy 2

none needed

cell phone, binoculars, container of onion dip, pen, spoon

(2 spies enter from opposite sides. They look around, look at each other, hesitate, then walk closer to each other)

Spy 1: (speaking, not singing) Camptown Lady sing this song.

Spy 2: (speaking, not singing) Doo-dah, doo-dah.

Spy 1: (speaking, not singing) Camptown Racetrack five miles long.

Spy 2: (speaking, not singing) Oh, doo-dah day.

Spy 1: Agent Oh-Fourteen?

Spy 2: Agent X?

Spy 1: Were you followed?

Spy 2: No. You?

Spy 1: No. What's my assignment?

Spy 2: You are to proceed with Operation: Aardvark.

Spy 1: Aardvark? That's a silly code name for a spy operation.

Spy 2: We're going in alphabetical order. Besides, I wouldn't talk about silly code names, Agent X.

Spy 1: Point taken.

Spy 2: What equipment did you bring?

Spy 1: I have this. (Pulls out phone)

Spy 2: A phone?

Spy 1: It only looks like a phone. It's really binoculars.

Spy 2: Ah! What if you need to call headquarters.

Spy 1: Then I'll use this. (Pulls out binoculars) It's really a phone.

Spy 2: Tricky. I have a secret message for you.

Spy 1: What is it?

Spy 2: I can't tell you, it's a secret.

Spy 1: But I need you to give me my instructions.

Spy 2: I'll have to give them to you in code.

Spy 1: Proceed.

Spy 2: Go doo blogs dorth, dake dee zide zdreed ride, ud-til you zee a blag zedad.

Spy 1: Wait a second. I've memorized every code in the spy handbook, and I can't understand a word you're saying. What kind of code is that supposed to be?

Spy 2: A code id dee doze.

Spy 1: Forget the code. Just tell me where I'm headed.

Spy 2: You're going to New Dehli.

Spy 1: India? No problem.

Spy 2: No, not India. To the new deli around the block. Pick me up a sandwich, hold the mustard.

Spy 1: Is that where I meet my contact?

Spy 2: No, that's where you contact my meat. Make it pastrami.

Spy 1: Huh?

Spy 2: Never mind. Just listen.

Spy 1: Give me the 4-1-1.

Spy 2: The message from HQ is on the QT. There's a CEO from the U.A.R. A real V.I.P.

Spy 1: KGB?

Spy 2: Used to be SS. Then he went A-W-O-L.

Spy 1: M-I-A?

Spy 2: Right. The CIA wants him out of D.C. PDQ.

Spy 1: Ten-Four. I'll get on it ASAP.

Spy 2: OK. Now, do you have the formula?

Spy 1: Right here. (Pulls out onion dip)

Spy 2: That's a container of onion dip.

Spy 1: It only looks like onion dip. The formula is on a microchip hidden inside.

Spy 2: Chip and dip! Pretty clever.

Spy 1: And tasty.

Spy 2: And now that I know you have it...I'll take that formula.

Spy 1: What is this? A double-cross?

Spy 2: Yep. Because I'm a double agent.

Spy 1: Double drat!

Spy 2: Let's have that onion dip.

Spy 1: Never!

Spy 2: Okay, you asked for it (pulls out pen)

Spy 1: A pen?

Spy 2: Actually, it's a .45 calibre pen. So put your hands up and hand over the formula.

Spy 1: If I put my hands up, how can I hand it over?

Spy 2: Don't be funny.

Spy 1: No danger of that.

Spy 2: Give me the formula, or I'll shoot!

Spy 1: Okay...(gives Spy 2 the onion dip) Now I know why they call you Oh-Fourteen. You're twice as tough as Double-Oh-Seven. (pulls out spoon) Now you put your hands up.

Spy 2: A spoon gun, eh? Looks like a stalemate.

Spy 1: Not really, this is a forty-six calibre spoon.

Spy 2: Outgunned by one calibre! (Gives onion dip to Spy 1) Now that you have the formula, what are you going to do? Kill me?

Spy 1: Nope. I'm going to give you the formula. (Gives onion dip to Spy 2)

Spy 2: Why would you help me?

Spy 1: Because I'm also a double agent.

Spy 2: That means we're on the same side!

Spy 1: That's right. So let's get this formula back to HQ, ASAP.

Spy 2: LOL. I mean, Ten-Four.

(Both exit)

copyright 2017-2022 by Linda Campanella and Whatsits Galore

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