by Linda Campanella

Kid 1
Kid 2


rock, piece of paper, 2 funny Halloween-type masks that don't cover your mouth

if desired, you can have a steering wheel or some kind of hoop like a steering wheel; if not, Dad can pantomime holding a wheel

To simulate a car, set up 4 chairs facing forward, 2 in front, and 2 in back. Be sure the chairs in the front are spaced far enough apart so the backseat passengers can be seen. Or use risers for the rear seats. If you wish to make something more elaborate, like a posterboard car, go right ahead.

(Mom enters)

Mom: Okay, everybody, time to leave. We won't get to Grandma's if we don't get started.

(kids enter)

Kid 1: We're coming, we're coming.

Mom: Finally! Didn't you hear me calling you?

Kid 1: Not the first 2 times.

Kid 2: Do we have to go to Grandma's?

Mom: Don't you like driving to Grandma's?

Kid 2: I like the drive to Grandma's. And I like the drive home. It's the stuff in between I don't like.

Mom: Did you bring everything?

Kids: Yes, Mom.

Mom: Did you pack your toothrush?

Kids: Yes, Mom.

Mom: Did you bring a jacket?

Kids: Yes, Mom.

Mom: What about the cooler?

Kid 1: Cooler than what?

Kid 2: Sis, I hurt my wrist. Will you carry my suitcase for me?

Kid 1: No! I'm not carrying your suitcase! Carry it yourself!

Mom: Now, honey, what would Jesus do?

Kid 1: Jesus would heal her wrist so she could carry her own suitcase!

Kid 2: She's such a slacker! When we loaded the car, I carried two boxes at a time, but she only carried one!

Kid 1: You're just too lazy to make two trips.

(Dad enters)

Dad: Enough arguing. Let's get this show on the road.

Kids: Yes, Dad.

(Take positions in car, Mom & Dad in "front," Dad holding steering wheel, kids in "back seat")

Dad: Did you kids remember to bring masks?

Kids: Yes, Dad. (put on masks)

Dad: Good. You won't need them unless we stop.

(Kids take off masks)

Mom: Wait a minute, dear. I'm sure I'm forgetting something.

Dad: We told your mother we'd be there by five.

Mom: But you know I'm always late.

Dad: You were ready on time when we went to church yesterday.

Mom: That was an accident. I'm sure I'm fogetting something.

Dad: Nonsense. That's just you worrying all the time. I'm backing out of the driveway, and once I back out of the driveway, we're not going back for anything.

(Dad looks back as though backing up)

Kids: Beep, beep, beep, beep!

Dad: At last! We're on our way.

Kid 2: Are we there yet?

Mom: Now don't start that already. Why don't you play a nice car game?

Kid 1: Let's play I Spy With My Little Eye-Phone.

Dad: Nothing doing! You're not playing with my phone, you'll just fight over it.

Kid 1: Will not!

Kid 2: Will, too!

Kid 1: Will not!

Kid 2: Will, too!

Dad: In my day, we didn't have electronics. You can just sit there and be bored like we used to.

Kid 1: Okay, we'll play I Spy the old-fashioned way. I spy something...yellow. Too late! It was that sign back there. I win!

Kid 2: Aw, I hate this game!

Kid 1: It's amazing that you're not a better loser--you've had so much practice.

Kid 2: Yeah? Well, winning isn't everything.

Kid 1: If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?

Mom: Look at that sign: Army Surplus ahead. Ooh! Let's stop!

Dad: Absolutely not. We already have too much surplus.

Kid 2: I'm bored.

Mom: Already?

Kid 1: Hey, sis, let's arm wrestle.

Mom: Not in the car! Play something less violent, like Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Kid 1: Okay. (Brandishes rock) Let me win or I'll clobber you.

Kid 2: (Brandishes sheet of paper) Nuh-uh, paper beats rock.

Kid 1: You can't hurt me with that wimpy piece of paper.

Kid 2: Oh, yeah? Ever get a paper cut?

Mom: Honey, you just missed our exit!

Dad: Don't worry, I'll just pull onto the shoulder and back up to it.

Mom: Are you sure it's safe to back up here?

Dad: Of course! What are you so nervous about?

Mom: What if we get into an accident?

Dad: We've got our seat belts on.

Mom: But what if we get trapped in the car, and it catches fire, and we can't unhook our seat belts?

Dad: You're such a worrier! I have one of those life-saving devices. If we get trapped in the car, we can use it to cut off the seat belts.

Mom: Where is this wonderful device?

Dad: In the trunk.

Mom: All right, back up if you have to.

(Dad looks back as though backing up)

Kids: Beep, beep, beep, beep!

Mom: Okay we're on the right road again.

Kid 1: Look at that sign: Cast iron sinks.

Kid 2: Big deal. Everybody knows that.

Mom: Wait! I forgot to lock the house! We have to go back!

Dad: We're not going back. I knew you'd say that, so I made sure the house was locked. Now stop worrying.

Kid 1: Dad, what does a red light mean?

Dad: It means 'Stop.'

Kid 1: And what does a yellow light mean?

Dad: Go slower.

Kid 1: Okay. What...does...a...yellow...light...mean?

Mom: By the way, I got another one of those emails this morning asking for money.

Dad: Kids, I told you to stop sending your mother emails.

Kid 1: Look, a dead dog by the side of the road. It just makes me want to cry.

Kid 2: And there's a dead skunk. That makes me cry.

Kid 1: Why are you crying for a dead skunk?

Kid 2: The smell makes my eyes water.

Mom: Watch out, dear, there's a speed bump!

Dad: Okay, okay, no big deal.

Mom: You're almost on it!

Dad: I'll be careful.

Mom: Don't panic! Stay calm!

Dad: I am calm.

Mom: I was talking to myself.

Dad: Why do you have such a fear of speed bumps?

Mom: I'm slowly getting over it. Anyway, if you were a safer driver, I wouldn't worry so much.

Dad: I always obey the traffic laws!

Mom: Then why do you get so many parking tickets?

Dad: Don't worry, I won't be getting any more parking tickets.

Mom: Because you'll quit double parking?

Dad: No, I took off the windshield wipers.

Kid 1: I'm hungry.

Mom: Already?

Kid 2: I'm hungry, too. Can we stop to eat?

Dad: I guess, if we see a good place to stop. Keep your eyes peeled.

Kid 1: Look, there's a sign: Clean Restroom Ahead.

Mom: I'm on vacation. Let them clean their own restroom.

Kid 2: How about that place?

Dad: It looks too expensive.

Mom: But I bet it has great ambiance.

Kid 1: What's 'ambiance'?

Kid 2: That's what takes you to the hospital after you eat there.

Dad: Okay, here's a diner. I'll pull into their parking lot.

Kid 1: Don't stop here, Dad! The sign says, 'Eat and Get Gas.'

Dad: Okay, okay, lemme back up and get back on the highway.

(Dad turns around as if backing up)

Kids: Beep, beep, beep, beep!

Dad: Do they have to do that every time?

Kid 2: I'm still hungry.

Kid 1: Me, too.

Dad: You just need to take your mind off food. Let's talk about something else. DId I tell you I saw a moose on the way to work yesterday?

Kid 1: How do you know he was on his way to work?

Mom: You know how I always complain that they don't sell eggs in a half-dozen carton? So I always have to buy a full dozen?

Dad: Yeah?

Mom: Well, yesterday when I went to the grocery store, they finally had half-dozen cartons of eggs!

Dad: Wow. Did you buy one?

Mom: Are you kidding? I was so happy, I bought two!

Kid 2: I wish we could put the top down.

Dad: It would take hours to get the top down.

Kid 2: On our old car, it only took two minutes.

Dad: Yeah, but that car was a convertible.

Mom: Oh, no! I think I left the stove on when I was cooking that alphabet soup.

Kid 1: That could spell disaster.

Dad: Stop worrying. I knew you'd say that, so I checked the stove before we left.

Mom: Are you sure?

Dad: I'm sure.

Kid 1: Stop looking out my window!

Kid 2: Well, you keep your feet off my side!

Kids: Mom!!

Mom: Now what's wrong?

Kid 1: I'm not having fun yet.

Dad: If you two don't stop fighting, I'm gonna turn this car right around and drive straight home.

Kid 2: Promise?

Kid 1: Jimmy McGurk goes hithhiking when he wants to get someplace.

Kid 2: Can we go hitchhiking?

Mom: No, it's too dangerous. You might get hit by a car.

Kid 1: What if we go early to avoid the traffic?

Kid 2: Dad, can I ask a silly question?

Dad: You sure can. Nobody's better than you at silly questions.

Kid 2: Were you in love before Mom?

Dad: That's a hard question to answer.

Mom: I'd like to hear the answer, too.

Dad: That's why it's such a hard question to answer.

Kid 1: Look at that sign: Lots For Sale.

Kid 2: Lots of what?

Dad: I meant to tell you, honey, I signed up for the 401K at work.

Mom: Are you sure thats's a good idea? 401K sounds like an awfully long race.

Kid 1: Speaking of races, can I join the cross-country team at school?

Dad: That's a great idea!

Kid 1: You think so, Dad?

Dad: Oh, yeah, absolutely!

Mom: They donít actually cross the country, dear. They come back home in a few hours.

Dad: Oh. Then forget it.

Kid 1: I've got some good news for you, Dad.

Dad: What is it?

Kid 1: Remember that twenty dollars you promised me if I made the Honor Roll?

Dad: Yes.

Kid 1: You get to keep it.

Mom: Did you just throw that wrapper out the window?

Kid 2: Well, the sign said this place was fine for littering.

Mom: Why are you following that car so close?

Dad: I want to read the bumper sticker.

Mom: Well, what does it say?

Dad: Stop tailgating.

Kid 1: My birthday is next month. Can I have a birthday party?

Dad: I guess so.

Kid 1: I'll invite all my friends.

Mom: You'd better start making plans.

Kid 2: And friends.

Dad: We're almost there now, gang. Just a couple of miles to go.

Kids: Finally!

Mom: You know, honey, I've been thinking, and you're right.

Dad: I know...about what?

Mom: I do worry too much.

Dad: I'm glad you finally realize it.

Mom: Like now, I feel like I left the water running in the kitchen sink. Normally I'd be so anxious about it, I'd say we had to go all the way back home. But now, thanks to you, I've decided not to be such a worrier. So the water will overflow and ruin the floor and it'll have to be replaced. So it'll seep through into the basement and onto the brand new entertainment system down there. And think of the water bill! But you've convinced me, there's no sense worrying about things. So I'm just going to stop thinking about it. Aren't you proud of me? Honey?

(Dad sighs and turns around as if backing up.)

Kids: Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!

(all exit together backward, as if backing away)

copyright 2022 by Linda Campanella and Whatsits Galore

Return to Skits & Bits