by Linda Campanella

Shopper 1
Shopper 2
Shopper 3

Large purse (the uglier, the better), band-aid, screw, rubber chicken

(Mom & Dad enter, she carrying a gigantic purse)

Dad: We finally made it to the mall. I can't believe the traffic!

Mom: Yeah, why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called the ‘rush hour’?

Dad: I don't know, but parking was a nightmare! I thought sure that spot we found by the fire exit would be restricted.

Mom: Oh, no, I checked, and the sign said 'Fine For Parking.'

Dad: That's good. I'd hate to get a ticket.

Mom: Now remember, we only have 2 hours to finish all our Christmas shopping.

Dad: Why don't we just buy everybody something useful? Like industrial strength toenail clippers?

Mom: That's what we bought last year.

Dad: Oh, yeah.

Mom: Don't worry, I have a complete list of everything we need to buy, along with sizes and colors, arranged in descending order according to which end of the mall carries it, in my purse.

Dad: And do you have the credit cards?

Mom: Right here in my purse.

Dad: What about the club cards to scan for points?

Mom: In the purse.

Dad: The frequent buyer cards?

Mom: Purse.

Dad: You and that purse. You carry everything in there.

Mom: Wouldn't leave home without it. Besides, it pays to be prepared for anything.

Dad: You're a regular Boy Scout. All right, enough talk. Let's get this shopping over with.

Shopper 1: (enters) Pardon me, I cut my finger. Do you by any chance have a band-aid?

Dad: There's a drug store right over there.

Mom: No need, I have a band-aid right here in my purse. (gives Shopper 1 a band-aid)

Shopper 1: Thank you.

Dad: So, how did you cut yourself?

Shopper 1: On my sandwich.

Dad: How can you get a cut from a sandwich?

Shopper 1: Must've been the sharp cheddar. (exits)

Mom: Okay, time to get down to business. Let's grab a shopping cart.

Dad: The most expensive vehicle in the world to operate per mile.

Shopper 2: (enters) Excuse me, I know this will sound strange, but do you have a screw?

Mom: Actually, I have several screws in my purse. How long do you want it?

Shopper 2: Forever, if that's okay with you.

Mom: I mean, what size screw?

Shopper 2: I need a tiny one to fix my glasses.

Dad: How did you break your glasses?

Shopper 2: Well, I was in the toy store, and it was full of some really rowdy kids. I noticed a baseball flying through the air, and I wondered why it was getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit me.

Dad: And broke your glasses.

Shopper 2: That's right.

Mom: (hands him a screw) Here you go.

Shopper 2: Thanks a lot. (exits)

Dad: Now that that's over, let's get on with our shopping. You know, I can't remember the last time I was here. This is a pretty nice place.

Mom: When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen the mall.

Shopper 3: (enters) I'm sorry to bother you, but do you...

Dad: Here we go again. Don't worry, whatever you need, my wife has it in her purse.

Shopper 3: Do you by any chance know where I can get a rubber chicken?

Mom: (hands him a chicken) But of course.

Dad: I'm almost afraid to ask but, why do you need a rubber chicken?

Shopper 3: My wife sent me to get a chicken for supper.

Dad: But why rubber?

Shopper 3: With the economy the way it is, we have to stretch every meal. (exits)

Dad: Honey, I think you're amazing.

Mom: I feel the same way, sweetheart.

Dad: Why don't you say it?

Mom: Okay. I think I'm amazing. But enough about me. Time to get down to the Christmas shopping. We haven't got much time left.

Dad: Right. Let me have the list.

Mom: (looks through purse) Um...the list?

Dad: What's wrong?

Mom: I can't seem to find it.

Dad: You can't find it?

Mom: I think I forgot it at home.

Dad: That's impossible. Look again.

Mom: It's no use. I left it on the kitchen table.

Dad: Now what do we do.

Mom: Toenail clippers?

Dad: (nods) Toenail clippers.

(both exit)

copyright 2015-2022 by Linda Campanella and Whatsits Galore

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