by Linda Campanella, Freely copied from Brad Paisley and the Kung Pao Buckaroos' Completely Non Offensive Politically Correct Holiday Song

1st Caroler
2nd Caroler

may wear hats, scarves, mittens, etc., but not necessary

song books or sheet music

1st Caroler: I sure look forward to caroling every year.

2nd Caroler: Me, too! It's the highlight of the season. Are you ready to start?

1st Caroler: Ready and waiting. Can I pick the first song?

2nd Caroler: Go ahead.

1st Caroler: Let's start with, "We Wish You a Merry Christmas." On 3...

2nd Caroler: Hold on a minute. We can't sing that.

1st Caroler: Huh? Why not?

2nd Caroler: You can't say 'Christmas.'

1st Caroler: I can't say 'Christmas!' Why not?

2nd Caroler: You might offend somebody.

1st Caroler: You can't be serious.

2nd Caroler: No, really. The word 'Christmas' is offensive to some people. So you can't say it.

1st Caroler: Let me get this straight. It's one week before Christmas, there are Christmas decorations everywhere, I'm singing Christmas carols, but I can't say 'Christmas?'

2nd Caroler: That's right.

1st Caroler: So what am I supposed to say?

2nd Caroler: You're supposed to say 'holiday.'

1st Caroler: 'Holiday?' Which holiday?

2nd Caroler: Doesn't matter.

1st Caroler: So...We Wish You a Merry Groundhog Day?

2nd Caroler: Don't name a holiday. Just say 'holiday.' It's generic and inoffensive.

1st Caroler: And boring. Forget that song. Let's sing "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day."

2nd Caroler: I told you...you can't say 'Christmas.' Change it.

1st Caroler: To 'I Heard the Bells on Holiday Day?'

2nd Caroler: That's better.

1st Caroler: It's redundant.

2nd Caroler: That's okay. Redundancy isn't offensive.

1st Caroler: Except to English teachers.

2nd Caroler: Look, just try it. Try singing 'holiday' instead of 'Christmas.'

1st Caroler: Okay. (sings) "I'm dreaming of a white holiday. Just like the..."

2nd Caroler: No, no, no! You can't say that!

1st Caroler: Why? I said 'holiday' like you wanted.

2nd Caroler: You can't have a 'white holiday.' That'll offend all kinds of minorities.

1st Caroler: You do realize the 'white' in that song refers to snow. Last time I checked, snow didn't come in any other colors.

2nd Caroler: Doesn't matter. You can't say it.

1st Caroler: Well, how would you sing it?

2nd Caroler: I'd say, (sings) "I'm dreaming of a multi-ethnic, interracial holiday. Just like the ones I used to know..."

1st Caroler: That is the worst song ever.

2nd Caroler: Maybe you're right. We'd better skip that song altogether. Pick a different one.

1st Caroler: How about "We Three Kings of Orient Are"?

2nd Caroler: Asia.

1st Caroler: What?

2nd Caroler: You can't say "Orient." It might...

1st Caroler: ...offend somebody. I get it.

2nd Caroler: So we have to sing, "We Three Kings of Asia Are."

1st Caroler: That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

2nd Caroler: Hey! You can't say that!

1st Caroler: Say what?

2nd Caroler: You can't say 'dumb.' You'll offend mute people. Pick a different song.

1st Caroler: Okay, okay. Let's do "Hark, the Herald Angels Sing."

2nd Caroler: Nope.

1st Caroler: Offensive?

2nd Caroler: Right. That'll offend people named "Harold."

1st Caroler: What about "The Little Drummer Boy"?

2nd Caroler: That's offensive to musicians.

1st Caroler: "Silent Night?"

2nd Caroler: Are you kidding? You'll offend the hard of hearing and people afraid of the dark.

1st Caroler: What was I thinking?

2nd Caroler: You'd better let me pick the song. Just follow my lead. (sings) Oh, holiday tree, Oh, holiday tree, So green and inoffensive. Oh, holiday tree, Oh, holiday tree, So green and inoffensive.

1st Caroler: Wait, won't the word "green" offend Martians?

2nd Caroler: That's the stupidest thing I ever heard.

1st Caroler: You can't say 'stupid'! You'll offend idiots!

2nd Caroler: You know, I think you just defined the entire PC movement: people offending idiots.

1st Caroler: Right. Let's sing a song especilly for the easily-offended. (sings) Oh, Christmas song, O, Christmas song, You once were inoffensive.

2nd Caroler: (sings) O, PC crowd, O, PC crowd, Why are you so defensive?

1st Caroler: (sings) You make a fuss at Christmastime. And pester us to tow your line.

2nd Caroler: (sings) Instead let's make, for Jesus' sake, Our Christmas more intensive.

(both exit)

original material copyright 2018-2022 by Linda Campanella and Whatsits Galore, all other material copyright EMI Music Publishing, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Spirit Music Group

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