NORTH vs. SOUTH
by Linda Campanella

Characters:
Waitress
Customer

Costumes:
apron if desired, but not necessary

Props:
Menu if desired, but not necessary

(Customer enters)

Waitress: Welcome to the Whistlin' Dixie Diner. Where y'all from?

Customer: What do you mean, all? There's only one of me.

Waitress: That's what I said: y'all. From outta town?

Customer: Yeah, I'm from Nepa.

Waitress: Sorry, I never heard of there. Is that in Mississippi?

Customer: Nepa...it means northeast PA.

Waitress: Peeyay?

Customer: Pennsylvania.

Waitress: That's away up north, isn't it?

Customer: Yeah. Have you ever been up north?

Waitress: I shore have. I been to North Carolina. Whatch'all doin' down her in...seeky? That's southeast Kentucky. I made that up just now.

Customer: I'm on vacation. I was thinking of going down the shore, but then decided to catch the Derby instead. And since I'm here, I thought I'd do some sightseeing.

Waitress: Be careful, a lotta folks round here don't like Yankees.

Customer: That's okay, I'm more of a Phillies fan. But first I'd like something to eat. Do youse have any kielbasa?

Waitress: You wanna kill Bossie? My favorite cow?

Customer: No, of course not. Forget that, how about some piggies in a blanket instead?

Waitress: I got some piggies out back, but they're in a pen. They'd just chew up a blanket.

Customer: Never mind, I'll just have some pierogies.

Waitress: What's that?

Customer: You know, from Mrs. T's.

Waitress: If she's such a tease, I wouldn't buy anything from her.

Customer: What kinda sammiches ya got? Ya got hoagies, heyna? Or a hoddog?

Waitress: I never heard of any of those things, but we got chick peas.

Customer: Chick peas? Is that vegetable or poultry?

Waitress: We also have collard greens.

Customer: How much is that?

Waitress: Twelve dollars.

Customer: How much is it without the collar? Maybe I'll just take a snack to go. Do you sell TastyKakes? I'll take a couple, two-tree.

Waitress: All our cakes are mighty tasty.

Customer: Everything I ask for, you don't have. What do you have to eat?

Waitress: We got okra.

Customer: Isn't that the lady on the talk show? Okra Winfrey?

Waitress: We got all kinds of good food: grits, Po' Boys, biscuits and gravy...

Customer: Don't youse have any American food? Like halushki?

Waitress: What?

Customer: Halushki.

Waitress: Bless you, hon. You ain't gettin' a cold, are ya? Look, y'all better hurry and order. We're closin' early on account of they're callin' for snow.

Customer: How much snow are youse expecting?

Waitress: It's supposed to snow a whole quarter of an inch!

Customer: Uh-oh, better get the Quick Joe.

Waitress: You're right. (yells offstage) Quick, Joe! Lock up and let's get outta here before we're snowed in!

(waitress escorts customer out, both exit)

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