by Linda Campanella

Meriwether Lewis
William Clark

coonskin cap or fur hat

2 sticks; bedroll, sleeping bag, or similar rolled-up cloth; if you memorize, you'll need a map, but if you read your parts, you can just use the script

(Lewis & Clark enter; Clark wears coonskin cap, carries a bedroll & a map)

Lewis: Well, William, by my reckoning, we've gone about 15 miles today. I think we've done enough for one day.

Clark: Good thing, Meriwether, I'm bushed. Can we stop now?

Lewis: Yep. Let's look for a good place to set up camp for the night.

Clark: Why don't we make camp near the river? Then we'll have plenty of water.

Lewis: Good idea. And maybe we'll take a refreshing swim to cool off. You do know how to swim, don't you?

Clark: Sure. I learned to swim the old-fashioned way. When I was a boy, my father took me out on a boat to the middle of the lake, and threw me in the water.

Lewis: And you learned to swim?

Clark: It was easy! The only hard part was getting out of the sack.

Lewis: Anyway, let's go to the river. We'll use that map you've been dreawing as we went along. Let me see it.

(Lewis looks at Clark's script)

Lewis: I can't make heads or tails of this map you drew. What's this notation: Beethoven Falls?

Clark: I figure, since we were mapping all these things, we get to name them, too. I named the waterfall after that famous German composer, Ludwig Van Falls.

Lewis: What are those pointy things?

Clark: Those are the mountains.

Lewis: And what's that? A mushroom?

Clark: That's a tree. A dogwood, to be precise.

Lewis: How do you know a dogwood from any other tree?

Clark: You can tell by the bark.

Lewis: What's that squiggly line?

Clark: That's the river.

Lewis: And what are those 2 dots?

Clark: That's you and me.

Lewis: You drew us on the map?

Clark: Well, you said to make it as detailed as possible.

Lewis: Never mind. We'll just set up camp right here. We'll have to make do with the water in our canteens.

Clark: Don't worry, to make our water last longer, we can always dilute it.

Lewis: I just hope we don't run into any unfriendly Indians tonight.

Clark: I brought some blankets with a camouflage pattern. That should hide us.

Lewis: Good thinking! Where are they?

Clark: I laid them down, and now I can't find them.

Lewis: Okay, forget that. Let's just build a fire. Rub those 2 sticks together until you get a spark.

(Clark rubs sticks together)

Lewis: Would it go faster if I helped you?

Clark: It would go faster if I used the matches in my pocket.

Lewis: Well, use them, then!

Clark: They won't light. I don't understand it, I tested each one before we left.

Lewis: Enough, already! When you finish that, you can pitch the tent.

(While Lewis is looking the other way, Clark tosses bedroll offstage)

Lewis: Well, did you pitch the tent?

Clark: I sure did.

Lewis: Where is it?

Clark: I pitched it into the ravine.

Lewis: Dont you know we need that? How will we get a good night's sleep now? And tomorrow we have to hike another 50 miles.

Clark: It won't be so bad. I'll take the first 25 miles, and you take the rest.

Lewis: Y'know, Will, your IQ wouldn't make a respectable earthquake.

Clark: Sorry, Merry.

Lewis: That's Meri-wether. Never mind the tent. What's for supper? Do we have any more of that venison from yesterday?

Clark: That wasn't venison.

Lewis: It wasn't? Then what was it?

Clark: Well, I wanted to stretch our food supply, so I've been trying to live off the land.

Lewis: What was it?

Clark: (points to hat) See my new hat?

Lewis: A raccoon?! I'm almost afraid to ask this but...what about the stuff we had the night before? What was that? The stuff with so much garlic it nearly choked me.

Clark: Oh, that wasn't garlic. That was one of those black-and-white kitties.

Lewis: You can't go around serving up every critter you see out here.

Clark: Only the dead ones. Like, see that mountain lion over there? I'd never try to cook that.

Lewis: A mountain lion!? We're finished! They can leap 25 feet!

Clark: That's no problem. He's only 10 feet away. He'll jump right past us.

Lewis: Will! We're in luck! The lion's walking away!

Clark: He was probably scared off by the bear.

Lewis: Bear?!

Clark: Yeah, right over there. And it looks hungry! What are we going to do?

Lewis: Taste good, I guess.

Clark: Not me! I'm getting out of here!

Lewis: Why bother? You can't outrun a bear.

Clark: I don't have to. I only have to outrun you. (Clark runs offstage)

Lewis: How do you like that? He finally did something smart! (Lewis runs offstage)

copyright 2014-2022 by Linda Campanella and Whatsits Galore

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