by Linda Campanella

Julianne Fries
Sue Zuki
Minnie Golf
Mrs. Gertrude Sippy
Note: any of the characters except Sue can easily be changed to men

nothing special


(Julianne & Minnie enter)

Julianne: Excuse me, is this the job fair?

Minnie: I sure hope so. That's what I'm here for.

Julianne: Are you out of work, too?

Minnie: Six weeks. It's so hard to find something these days.

Julianne: Were you laid off?

Minnie: Actually, I was fired.

Julianne: That's too bad. What happened?

Minnie: I was a bank teller, and one day, an elderly customer asked me to help him check his balance. So I pushed him over. By the way, my name's Minnie. Minnie Golf.

Julianne: Nice to meet you, Minnie. I'm Julianne. Julianne Fries. Don't feel bad, I was fired, too.

Minnie: How come?

Julianne: I walked into work, and the boss asked me if I believed in life after death. I said, of course I do. And he said, "Good, because, remember last Friday when you couldn't come to work because you had to attend your Mother's funeral? Well, she just called looking for you."

(Sue enters)

Sue: Hey, there, is the job fair around here somewhere?

Minnie: You, too? Come join the club. I'm Minnie, and this is Julianne.

Sue: Name's Sue. Sue Zuki.

Julianne: Were you fired, too?

Sue: No, I quit. See, I used to work in one of those sweat shops, but after a while people just seemed to stop buying sweat. You know, most people dream of not working and having lots of money. Well, when I quit my job, 50% of those dreams came true for me.

Minnie: Oh, I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

Sue: So true. The only thing I have put away for a rainy day is a pair of galoshes.

Julianne: I've always heard that money is not the key to happiness, but I figure, if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Minnie: It got so bad, I had to sell my vacuum cleaner to pay my rent. No big loss, though; all it was doing was collecting dust.

Sue: I don't need a career, I just want to pay my bills. I only work to buy a car to go to work.

Julianne: Well, we won't get new jobs standing around here. Let's head out.

Minnie: So, did you bring a resumé?

Sue: Nah! A resumé is just a list of things you hope they never ask you to do.

Julianne: When I get a new job, this time I'm gonna make sure I'm irreplacable.

Minnie: That's a good way to make sure you never get a promotion.

(Gertrude enters with clipboard)

Sue: There's the first interviewer.

Minnie: What company is she hiring for?

Julianne: The sign says, "National Consolidated Acme Corporation."

Sue: Never heard of it. What do you suppose they do?

Minnie: Consolidate?

Julianne: Who cares, as long as it means a paycheck!

(To Gertrude)

Minnie: Hello, we're looking for work. May we have an interview?

Gertrude: Certainly. I'm doing group interviews today, so you can all go at once. My name is Gertrude. Gertrude Sippy.

Julianne: Hello, Miss Sippy.

Gertrude: It's Mrs.

Julianne: Sorry...Mrs. Sippy.

Gertrude: And you are...?

Sue: Unemployed.

Minnie: That's not what she means. I'm Minnie.

Sue: I'm Sue.

Julianne: And my name is Julianne.

Gertrude: Very good. Now, ladies, I'm pleased to see you here at the job fair. It shows you have drive. Remember, the job interview is the key to success.

Minnie: Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

Gertrude: Let's start with some basic questions. Julianne, do you live in this town?

Julianne: Oh, yes.

Gertrude: Length of residence?

Julianne: About one acre.

Sue: And I live...

Gertrude: Wait, please.

Sue: A hundred and eight pounds.

Julianne: I can't believe you interrupted the interviewer!

Minnie: I can't believe you weigh a hundred and eight pounds!

Gertrude: Who is to be notified in case of emergency?

Sue: A very good doctor.

Gertrude: Minnie, what type of supervision are you most comfortable with?

Minnie: I'd have to say x-ray vision, because that heat vision could be dangerous.

Gertrude: I mean, can you handle a job where you are left to your own devices?

Minnie: Sure, if those devices are a cel phone and an MP3 player.

Gertrude: Julianne, give me one word that describes your best work habit.

Julianne: I'm very good at following directions.

Gertrude: Would you say you are a responsible person?

Sue: Oh, yes. At my last job, every time something went wrong, I was responsible.

Gertrude: How are you at multi-tasking?

Minnie: Great! At my last job I used to read the newspaper, talk on my phone, and drink coffee, all at the same time.

Gertrude: How do you feel about working in groups?

Julianne: Fine with me. It gives you more people to blame.

Gertrude: What about computer skills? How are you at using powerpoint?

Sue: I Excel at it!

Gertrude: How are you at making decisions?

Minnie: I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.

Gertrude: How many hours of sleep do you get on an average night?

Julianne: Isn't that question kind of personal?

Gertrude: Nonsense! A healthy sleep makes you a better worker.

Sue: And it also shortens the workday.

Gertrude: Tell me about the first job you ever had.

Minnie: My first job was in a calendar factory. Can you believe they fired me, just because I took a couple of days off?

Gertrude: How long did you work there?

Minnie: As long as the boss was watching.

Julianne: I worked at a butcher shop, until the day I backed into a meat grinder. They had to let me go for getting a little behind in my work.

Sue: I started out at a furniture store. Then one day, I fell into the automatic upholstery machine. But I'm recovered.

Gertrude: Is that when you quit?

Sue: No. I left because the boss told me that every time I sold a piece piece of furniture, I had to stand behind it for six months. Who has time for that?

Gertrude: Have you ever worked with a stand-alone computer system?

Julianne: Not really, I always prefer to have a chair.

Gertrude: Tell me how you would deal with a nasty co-worker.

Sue: I say, if someone hates you for no reason, then give them a reason.

Gertrude: If necessary, would you be willing to work longer hours?

Minnie: I guess so, if they were lunch hours.

Gertrude: Are you discreet?

Julianne: Oh, I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.

Gertrude: Do you have a work philosophy?

Sue: Sure! Whatever you do always give 100%. Unless you are donating blood.

Gertrude: How about you?

Minnie: Well, I always say there are two rules for success. First, don't tell all you know.

(Pause for effect)

Julianne: Ooh! Ooh! I have a work philosophy: If a jobís worth doing, itís too hard.

Gertrude: I'm looking for someone with good motivational skills.

Sue: Oh, that's me, all right. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!

Gertrude: What would you do if you suspected a co-worker was stealing?

Minnie: Funny you should ask that. My father worked on the road construction crew, and he was accused of stealing road signs from the job.

Gertrude: What did you do?

Minnie: At first I refused to believe it, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

Gertrude: I'm going to give you some aptitude questions. That will tell me what jobs you'd be suited for. First, let's test your math skills. If I leave my house at 3:45 and travel for two and a half hours, what time will I arrive at my destination?

Sue: That it AM or PM?

Gertrude: If there are ten apples in a baket and you take away two, how many apples do you have?

Minnie: Two.

Gertrude: Enough math. Let's move on to general knowledge.

Julianne: Who's he?

Gertrude: What important event ended in 1896?

Sue: 1895?

Gertrude: How many articles does the Constitution have? Hello! Are you listening?

Minnie: Huh? Oh, I'm sorry, I was lost in thought.

Gertrude: That's understandable. People often get lost in unfamiliar territory. Well, our interview time is up, ladies. Let's see what jobs are available..."Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential." "Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be willing to get hands dirty." Now here's something: "Easy, interesting work three days a week, weekends and holidays off, six-figure income, full benefits, profit-sharing, 6 weeks vacation, no experience necessary."

Sue: That sounds perfect!

Minnie: I'll take it!

Julianne: No, I will! When do I start?

Gertrude: Sorry, this position has already been filled. By me! (Gertrude exits)

Sue: Hey, wait! Do you need an assistant?

Minnie: An apprentice?

Julianne: A gofer?

(All exit, chasing after Gertrude)

copyright 2022-2024 by Linda Campanella and Whatsits Galore

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