Mrs. Gertrude Sippy
Note: any of the characters except Sue can easily be changed to men
(Julianne & Minnie enter)
Julianne: Excuse me, is this the job fair?
Minnie: I sure hope so. That's what I'm here for.
Julianne: Are you out of work, too?
Minnie: Six weeks. It's so hard to find something these days.
Julianne: Were you laid off?
Minnie: Actually, I was fired.
Julianne: That's too bad. What happened?
Minnie: I was a bank teller, and one day, an elderly customer asked me to help him check his balance. So I pushed him over. By the way, my name's Minnie. Minnie Golf.
Julianne: Nice to meet you, Minnie. I'm Julianne. Julianne Fries. Don't feel bad, I was fired, too.
Minnie: How come?
Julianne: I walked into work, and the boss asked me if I believed in life after death. I said, of course I do. And he said, "Good, because, remember last Friday when you couldn't come to work because you had to attend your Mother's funeral? Well, she just called looking for you."
Sue: Hey, there, is the job fair around here somewhere?
Minnie: You, too? Come join the club. I'm Minnie, and this is Julianne.
Sue: Name's Sue. Sue Zuki.
Julianne: Were you fired, too?
Sue: No, I quit. See, I used to work in one of those sweat shops, but after a while people just seemed to stop buying sweat. You know, most people dream of not working and having lots of money. Well, when I quit my job, 50% of those dreams came true for me.
Minnie: Oh, I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
Sue: So true. The only thing I have put away for a rainy day is a pair of galoshes.
Julianne: I've always heard that money is not the key to happiness, but I figure, if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
Minnie: It got so bad, I had to sell my vacuum cleaner to pay my rent. No big loss, though; all it was doing was collecting dust.
Sue: I don't need a career, I just want to pay my bills. I only work to buy a car to go to work.
Julianne: Well, we won't get new jobs standing around here. Let's head out.
Minnie: So, did you bring a resumé?
Sue: Nah! A resumé is just a list of things you hope they never ask you to do.
Julianne: When I get a new job, this time I'm gonna make sure I'm irreplacable.
Minnie: That's a good way to make sure you never get a promotion.
(Gertrude enters with clipboard)
Sue: There's the first interviewer.
Minnie: What company is she hiring for?
Julianne: The sign says, "National Consolidated Acme Corporation."
Sue: Never heard of it. What do you suppose they do?
Julianne: Who cares, as long as it means a paycheck!
Minnie: Hello, we're looking for work. May we have an interview?
Gertrude: Certainly. I'm doing group interviews today, so you can all go at once. My name is Gertrude. Gertrude Sippy.
Julianne: Hello, Miss Sippy.
Gertrude: It's Mrs.
Julianne: Sorry...Mrs. Sippy.
Gertrude: And you are...?
Minnie: That's not what she means. I'm Minnie.
Sue: I'm Sue.
Julianne: And my name is Julianne.
Gertrude: Very good. Now, ladies, I'm pleased to see you here at the job fair. It shows you have drive. Remember, the job interview is the key to success.
Minnie: Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
Gertrude: Let's start with some basic questions. Julianne, do you live in this town?
Julianne: Oh, yes.
Gertrude: Length of residence?
Julianne: About one acre.
Sue: And I live...
Gertrude: Wait, please.
Sue: A hundred and eight pounds.
Julianne: I can't believe you interrupted the interviewer!
Minnie: I can't believe you weigh a hundred and eight pounds!
Gertrude: Who is to be notified in case of emergency?
Sue: A very good doctor.
Gertrude: Minnie, what type of supervision are you most comfortable with?
Minnie: I'd have to say x-ray vision, because that heat vision could be dangerous.
Gertrude: I mean, can you handle a job where you are left to your own devices?
Minnie: Sure, if those devices are a cel phone and an MP3 player.
Gertrude: Julianne, give me one word that describes your best work habit.
Julianne: I'm very good at following directions.
Gertrude: Would you say you are a responsible person?
Sue: Oh, yes. At my last job, every time something went wrong, I was responsible.
Gertrude: How are you at multi-tasking?
Minnie: Great! At my last job I used to read the newspaper, talk on my phone, and drink coffee, all at the same time.
Gertrude: How do you feel about working in groups?
Julianne: Fine with me. It gives you more people to blame.
Gertrude: What about computer skills? How are you at using powerpoint?
Sue: I Excel at it!
Gertrude: How are you at making decisions?
Minnie: I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
Gertrude: How many hours of sleep do you get on an average night?
Julianne: Isn't that question kind of personal?
Gertrude: Nonsense! A healthy sleep makes you a better worker.
Sue: And it also shortens the workday.
Gertrude: Tell me about the first job you ever had.
Minnie: My first job was in a calendar factory. Can you believe they fired me, just because I took a couple of days off?
Gertrude: How long did you work there?
Minnie: As long as the boss was watching.
Julianne: I worked at a butcher shop, until the day I backed into a meat grinder. They had to let me go for getting a little behind in my work.
Sue: I started out at a furniture store. Then one day, I fell into the automatic upholstery machine. But I'm recovered.
Gertrude: Is that when you quit?
Sue: No. I left because the boss told me that every time I sold a piece piece of furniture, I had to stand behind it for six months. Who has time for that?
Gertrude: Have you ever worked with a stand-alone computer system?
Julianne: Not really, I always prefer to have a chair.
Gertrude: Tell me how you would deal with a nasty co-worker.
Sue: I say, if someone hates you for no reason, then give them a reason.
Gertrude: If necessary, would you be willing to work longer hours?
Minnie: I guess so, if they were lunch hours.
Gertrude: Are you discreet?
Julianne: Oh, I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.
Gertrude: Do you have a work philosophy?
Sue: Sure! Whatever you do always give 100%. Unless you are donating blood.
Gertrude: How about you?
Minnie: Well, I always say there are two rules for success. First, don't tell all you know.
(Pause for effect)
Julianne: Ooh! Ooh! I have a work philosophy: If a jobís worth doing, itís too hard.
Gertrude: I'm looking for someone with good motivational skills.
Sue: Oh, that's me, all right. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!
Gertrude: What would you do if you suspected a co-worker was stealing?
Minnie: Funny you should ask that. My father worked on the road construction crew, and he was accused of stealing road signs from the job.
Gertrude: What did you do?
Minnie: At first I refused to believe it, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
Gertrude: I'm going to give you some aptitude questions. That will tell me what jobs you'd be suited for. First, let's test your math skills. If I leave my house at 3:45 and travel for two and a half hours, what time will I arrive at my destination?
Sue: That depends...is it AM or PM?
Gertrude: If there are ten apples in a baket and you take away two, how many apples do you have?
Gertrude: Enough math. Let's move on to general knowledge.
Julianne: Who's he?
Gertrude: What important event ended in 1896?
Gertrude: How many articles does the Constitution have? Hello! Are you listening?
Minnie: Huh? Oh, I'm sorry, I was lost in thought.
Gertrude: That's understandable. People often get lost in unfamiliar territory. Well, our interview time is up, ladies. Let's see what jobs are available..."Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential." "Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be willing to get hands dirty." Now here's something: "Easy, interesting work three days a week, weekends and holidays off, six-figure income, full benefits, profit-sharing, 6 weeks vacation, no experience necessary."
Sue: That sounds perfect!
Minnie: I'll take it!
Julianne: No, I will! When do I start?
Gertrude: Sorry, this position has already been filled. By me! (Gertrude exits)
Sue: Hey, wait! Do you need an assistant?
Minnie: An apprentice?
Julianne: A gofer?
(All exit, chasing after Gertrude)
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