by Linda Campanella



gun, play money

Mugger Stick 'em up.

Victim Oh, no, it's a mugger!

Mugger I said, Stick 'em up.

Victim Okay, they're up.

Mugger Don't yell for help or I'll blast you.

Victim I won't, I won't. I'll do anything you say, just don't hurt me.

Mugger Shut up, loser.

Victim Loser?!? I said don't hurt me.

Mugger Hand over your dough.

Victim You know, money can't make you truly happy.

Mugger I know. That's why I'm gonna do you a favor and take some off your hands. Now, give it up.

Victim Here, take it. Take it all.

Mugger A dollar sixty-five? That's it?

Victim Well, yeah. Sorry about that.

Mugger But you're a rich-looking guy. Well-dressed and all. That's why I picked you out.

Victim How flattering.

Mugger So why don't you have any money?

Victim Are you married?

Mugger No.

Victim Well, if you ever do get married, you'll understand.

Mugger She spends all your dough, huh?

Victim If only we were as deeply in love as we are in debt.

Mugger That's too bad. Wait a minute--this dollar looks weird.

Victim Oh, yeah. It's play money. From a Monopoly set.

Mugger You gave me fake money?

Victim I hope you're not mad.

Mugger Well, I guess it's okay, since this is a phony gun.

Victim Hey, you look familiar to me. I didn't notice before, because I was busy sticking 'em up. By the way, can I put my hands down now?

Mugger Huh? Oh, sure.

Victim Thanks. I'm sure we've met before.

Mugger You ever been to San Quentin?

Victim No, that's not it. I've got it! You stuck me up once before.

Mugger I did?

Victim Sure, in Chicago. Don't you remember?

Mugger What were you wearing?

Victim A blue seersucker suit with a monogrammed tie.

Mugger Sorry, it doesn't ring any bells.

Victim In the middle of the hold-up, a cop came by, and you made me pretend we were old friends. We sang together.

Mugger What did we sing?

Victim "Down By the Old Mill Stream." You took the harmony.

Mugger That's right! I remember now. Small world, isn't it?

Victim I'll say.

Mugger You didn't have any money then, either.

Victim That's me. You stole my credit card instead.

Mugger Yeah, I lived off that card for over a year. Why did you never report it stolen?

Victim You were spending less than my wife does. You know, that's the first time I ever had my identity stolen.

Mugger With an identity like yours, I'm not surprised. If I'd remembered about that time in Chicago, I never would've stuck you up again.

Victim Listen, I'd love to catch up on old times. How about I buy you dinner?

Mugger But you don't have any money.

Victim You could lend me some. I'm good for it.

Mugger Well, I suppose so. Here's fifty.

Victim Could you make it a hundred? I want to pick a really nice restaurant.

Mugger Okay, here.

Victim I'll buy the dinner. Then you'll owe me a meal, and I'll owe you the money. I guess you could say we're even.

Mugger That sounds fair.

Victim Tell me, do you make a good living at robbing people?

Mugger No, actually, I barely keep my head above water.

Victim I thought so.

(both exit)

copyright 2020-2023 by Linda Campanella and Whatsits Galore

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