HELP DESK
by Linda Campanella

Characters:
Help Desk clerk
Customer 1
Customer 2
Customer 3

Costumes:
ordinary street clothes

Props:
none needed

(Help Desk & Customer 2 enter)

Help Desk: Good morning! Welcome to J C Max-Mart, the store that sells everything! What can I help you with today?

Customer 2: Do you sell groceries?

Help Desk: We sell everything!

Customer 2: Do you sell any whole foods?

Help Desk: Donuts, aisle 3.

(customer exits; Customer 1 enters)

Customer 1: Does this store have free wifi?

Help Desk: Yes, but you'll need the password.

Customer 1: So, what's the wifi password?

Help Desk: You have to make a purchase first.

Customer 1: Okay, okay, charge these socks to my credit card.

Help Desk: Done. Thank you very much.

Customer 1: Now what's the password.

Help Desk: You-have-to-make-a-purchase-first. All caps, no spaces.

(customer exits; Customer 2 enters)

Customer 2: I want a box for this.

Help Desk: Sorry, we don't box here, but I'll wrestle you for it.

(customer exits; Customer 3 enters)

Customer 3: I've been calling your store for hours and couldn't get through.

Help Desk: What number were you calling?

Customer 3: The number you have posted on your front door: nine-zero-zero, one-one-three-zero.

Help Desk: Those are our hours. We're open nine o'clock to eleven thirty. Now that you're here, what can I help you with?

Customer 3: Do you sell airline tickets here?

Help Desk: We sell everything!

Customer 3: Then I want a round trip ticket.

Help Desk: Where to?

Customer 3: Right back to here. So, how long will it take to fly to Boston?

Help Desk: Let me see...just a minute...

Customer 3: That's all? Great! I'll take one ticket.

Help Desk: Airline tickets, Aisle 12.

(customer exits; Customer 1 enters)

Customer 1: How much are your tomatoes?

Help Desk: Forty cents a pound.

Customer 1: Did you raise them yourself?

Help Desk: Yep. Yesterday they were thirty cents a pound.

(customer exits; Customer 2 enters)

Customer 2: I need a gift for my father. Do you have any suggestions?

Help Desk: How about a nice pocket calculator?

Customer 2: No, he already knows how many pockets he has.

Help Desk: Well, then, how about these pure wool pants?

Customer 2: The label says "100% cotton."

Help Desk: Oh, we just put that label on there to fool the moths. You can find them in Aisle 3.

(customer exits; Customer 3 enters)

Customer 3: That sign says genuine Indian pottery.

Help Desk: That's right.

Customer 3: But the tag says "Made in Cleveland."

Help Desk: Haven't you ever heard of the Cleveland Indians?

(customer exits; Customer 2 enters)

Customer 2: What are your hours?

Help Desk: I do an 8 to 6 five days a week, but after Christmas I'll be back to 40 hours.

(customer exits; Customer 1 enters)

Customer 1: Where's the bathroom, loser?

Help Desk: Go down the hall until you see a sign marked "Gentlemen." Igonore the sign and walk right in.

(customer exits; Customer 3 enters)

Customer 3: Where are the self-help books?

Help Desk: If I told you, it would defeat the purpose.

(customer exits; Customer 1 enters)

Customer 1: I want to buy a watch.

Help Desk: Analogue?

Customer 1: No, just a watch.

Help Desk: Aisle 5, second floor.

(customer exits; Customer 2 enters)

Customer 2: Do you keep stationery here?

Help Desk: No, I try to move around as much as possible.

Customer 2: How about running shoes? Do you sell them?

Help Desk: No, but we sell jogging shoes.

Customer 2: Won't they work just as well?

Help Desk: Maybe. How fast were you planning to go?

Customer 2: Okay, forget the shoes. Have you got any two-watt bulbs?

Help Desk: For what?

Customer 2: No, two.

Help Desk: Two...what?

Customer 2: Yes.

Help Desk: Hardware, Aisle 10.

(customer exits; Customer 3 enters)

Customer 3: I bought this rug yesterday, but itís got a hole in the middle!

Help Desk: Thatís correct, but if youíll recall, the sign said it was in "mint" condition.

(customer exits; Customer 1 enters)

Customer 1: The price on this sweater is awfully high, isnít it?

Help Desk: Not when you consider that the wool comes from a rare breed of albino sheep only found in the highest mountains of Tibet. Itís a beautiful yarn.

Customer 1: Yes, and you tell it so well.

(customer exits; Customer 2 enters)

Customer 2: Do you sell stamps? I want to send Christmas presents to my friends.

Help Desk: What denominations?

Customer 2: 3 Baptists, 2 Methodists, and a Presbetyrian.

Help Desk: Aisle 10.

(customer exits; Customer 3 enters)

Customer 3: Boy, you sure have a lot of knowledge right at your fingertips. Is there anything about this store you don't know?

Help Desk: Nope. Well, it's six o'clock. I'm off duty until tomorrow. (starts to exit) Wait...I'm getting turned around. Which way is the exit?

Customer 3: Go down Aisle 4 and turn left.

Help Desk: Thanks.

(both exit)

copyright 2021 by Linda Campanella and Whatsits Galore

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