HANDY DANDY HANDYMEN
by Linda Campanella

Characters:
Mandy
Candy
Sandy
Mrs. Higgenlooper

Costumes:
coveralls, or, if not, jeans and tee shirts will work fine

Props:
2 phones, tool box, duct tape, pliers, wrench, hammer, bolt, toy monkey, pair of shorts, sheet of paper, wasing machine (if you can't use a real one, a large appliance box painted white will work; or you can make a white box out of foam board), stethoscope, thermometer, blood pressure gauge (or at least a squeeze bulb)

(Mrs. Higgenlooper is on the phone with the washing machine nearby)

Mrs. Higgenlooper: (into phone) This is Mrs. Higgenlooper again, calling for the fourth time. I've been waiting over two hours. My washing machine is still on the fritz, and nobody has come to fix it. Are you sending someone? Or do I call a different service the next time I need help?

Mandy: (pokes head in door) Did I hear someone say help?

(Mandy, Candy, Sandy rush in; Sandy carries a tool bag)

Mrs. Higgenlooper: Who are you?

Sandy: We're Sandy, Mandy, and Candy. Your Handy Dandy Handyman Team.

(Candy pokes Sandy with elbow)

Candy: Woman!

Sandy: Handy-woman team. And we're here to fix your problem.

Mandy: Our motto is, "If it ain't broke...we'll soon fix that."

Mrs. H: You can fix appliances?

Sandy: We can fix anything!

Candy: We once fixed up a dumb waiter with a plumber's helper.

Mrs. H: With a plumber's helper? That doesn't sound possible.

Mandy: Well, it wasn't easy. See, Leon, the waiter, was so dumb, it was tough to convince him that Jospehine, she's the plumber's assistant, was a great catch.

Sandy: They're happily married now with six children.

Mrs. H: Anyway, you certainly got here fast. I wasn't expecting such speedy service.

Candy: Neither rain, nor snow, nor gloom of night will keep us away.

Mrs. H: I thought that was for the postal service.

Mandy: Yeah, but we learned the fix-it business from a correspondence school.

Sandy: Did you consult any other repair service before calling us?

Mrs. H: No, I talked to my dentist.

Candy: Your dentist? What fool advice did he give you?

Mrs. H: He told me to call you three.

Mandy: Enough chit-chat. Let's get to work.

Mrs. H: Why does it take three people to fix one appliance?

Sandy: Well, I carry the tools.

Mandy: And I do the repairing.

Candy: And I'm here for whatever you need me to do from the couch.

Sandy: Come on, Candy, quit being so lazy.

Mandy: Hard work pays off in the future, you know.

Candy: Yeah, but laziness pays off right now.

Mandy: Now, where is the patient?

Mrs. H: Right behind you.

Sandy: Oh, dear, you don't look well at all!

Mandy: I'll start by making a diagnosis.

(Pulls out stethoscope and listens to washing machine)

Mandy: Hmmm...

Mrs. H: What is it?

Sandy: A stethoscope. But never mind that now.

Mandy: It sounds like our patient has an irregularity in one valve.

Candy: (holds thermometer in top of washer) Temperature seems normal.

Sandy: (holds squeeze bulb on blood pressure cuff) Oil pressure is pretty low.

Mrs. H: What's the prognosis?

Mandy: Not good, I'm afraid. It is my sad duty to inform you that, in my professional opinion, this machine is unfixable. You'll have to buy a new toaster.

Mrs. H: Toaster?!? Is that what you think this is? It's a washer!

Candy: It is? Are you sure?

Mrs. H: Of course I'm sure!

Sandy: Well, that's different. I'm sure we can fix it.

Mrs, H: I thought you were professionals.

Mandy: We are! We've been in the handyman--

(Candy gives Mandy an elbow to the ribs)

Candy: Woman!

Mandy: ..handy-woman business for over 15 years! Our motto is, "If it ain't broke...it soon will be."

Mrs. H: How in the world do you three stay in business?

Sandy: The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

Mrs. H: Well, get busy and fix my washer!

Mandy: Yes, ma'am! (They line up: Mandy, Candy, Sandy)

Mandy: Do you have the tool box?

Sandy: Right here.

Mandy: Screwdriver.

Candy: Screwdriver.

Sandy: Screwdriver. (Sandy hands screwdriver to Candy, who hands it to Mandy)

Mandy: Monkey wrench.

Candy: Monkey wrench.

Sandy: Monkey wrench. (Sandy hands wrench with monkey to Candy, who hands it to Mandy)

Mandy: Socket.

Candy: If you say so. (punches washing machine) You told me to sock it.

Mandy: Bolt.

Candy: Bolt.

Sandy: Bolt. (Sandy hands bolt to Candy, who hands it to Mandy)

Mandy: Nut.

Sandy: Almond or cashew?

Mandy: No! One of those little round metal things with a hole in the middle.

Sandy: You mean a washer?

Candy: That's right here.

Mandy: Not that kind of washer.

Mandy: Pliers.

Candy: Pliers.

Sandy: Pliers. (Sandy hands pliers to Candy, who hands it to Mandy)

(Candy dabs Mandy's forehead with hanky)

Mandy: Donut.

Candy: Donut.

Sandy: Donut?

Mandy: Repair work makes me hungry. Wait a second...here's the problem!

Mrs. H: What is it?

Mandy: (pulls out shorts) There's a short in your washer.

v Candy: Now we can fix it.

Mandy: All I need now is some adhesive bonding strip.

Sandy: Some what?

Candy: Duct tape.

(Sandy hands duct tape to Candy, who hands it to Mandy)

Mrs. H: You're really going to fix it with duct tape?

Mandy: Well, we forgot the baling wire.

Candy: But I've got plenty of spit.

Mandy: That does it! Your washer is fixed.

Sandy: Maybe we should test it.

Candy: Good idea. Do you have any dirty dishes we can try it on?

Mrs. H: Dishes?!? You think this machine is for dirty dishes?

Mandy: You said it was a washer.

Mrs. H: Not a dishwasher!

Sandy: It's not for washing dishes?

Mrs. H: No!

Candy: How about golf balls?

Mandy: Cars?

Sandy: Feet?

Mrs. H: It's a clothes washer. For washing clothes. Doing laundry. What are you, scam artists?

Candy: Of course not! We can't draw a straight line with a ruler!

Sandy: We're legitimate handymen.

(Candy gives Sandy an elbow to the ribs)

Sandy: Women. We're so good, we can even fix broken promises.

Mandy: Our motto is, "If it ain't broke...that'll still be 85 dollars."

Mrs. H: I think I'm going to need some references.

Candy: What do you mean, 'references'?

Mrs. H: Like somebody to give a favorable opinion of you.

Sandy: Okay. Candy is a great gal.

Mandy: But, confidentially, Sandy bites her toenails.

Mrs. H: I mean a job reference. Somebody else who hired you.

Candy: We did a job for Mrs. Mulrudy. She had an electric can opener that didn't work.

Mandy: Wouldn't that make it a 'can't opener'?

Candy: Anyway we fixed it. In the test, it worked perfectly. Called every cat for miles around.

Sandy: Before that, we were hired by the Queen of England.

Mrs. H: Really? The Queen of England?

Sandy: Of course we didn't know it was her at the time. After we finished the job, she said, "If you're repairmen, I'm the Queen of England."

Mandy: Then there was the guy who called us to fix his clock that didn't keep good time.

Mrs. H: Did you fix it?

Mandy: Well, first I smashed it with a hammer.

Mrs. H: Why did you hit the clock?

Mandy: The clock struck first.

Candy: We eventually got it back together, but it still wouldn't run. Worst job we ever took. After three hours of work we finally got it running. And then only got paid for five minutes.

Mrs. H: I suppose those references are good enough.

Sandy: Wow, you think so?

Mrs. H: Actually, no. But I'm desperate. I really need you to finish this job and get out before my dinner party tonight.

Mandy: We can have the job done in ten minutes. What are you serving?

Mrs. H: What difference does that make?

Candy: If it's something we like, we can stretch the job out to make sure we're here for the leftovers.

Mrs. H: Just get it finished. And if you do a good job, I'll hire you to do our pool maintenance.

Sandy: Thanks, but no, thanks. That job sounds draining.

Candy: Will you knock it off? We'll get a bad reputation with all your dumb comments!

Sandy: Oh, yeah? Well when your I.Q. reaches 50, you should sell.

Mandy: Oh, wait, I found the problem!

Candy: What is it? A loose belt? A broken valve?

Mandy: No, the warranty ran out yesterday.

Candy: Why didn't I think of that?

Mrs. H: Can you fix it?

Sandy: Sure. Expired warranties are our specialty.

Mandy: (works for a few seconds) All fixed.

Mrs. H: Finally!

Candy: Here you go.

Mrs. H: What's this? Instructions?

Sandy: Nope. That's our bill.

Mrs. H: What!?! Eight hundred and thirty-six dollars and forty-two cents!?! That's outrageous! I want it itemized.

Mandy: Well, our rate is eighty dollars an hour.

Sandy: Plus parts.

Candy: Plus wear and tear on our tools.

Mandy: Plus time and a half after 5.

Candy: Plus coffee breaks.

Sandy: Plus tax.

Mandy: Times 3.

Candy: That comes to eight hundred and thirty-six dollars and forty-two cents.

Mrs. H: That's a pretty steep bill.

Sandy: Do you know how expensive Super Glue is these days?

Candy: Hey, it was broke.

Mandy: And we fixed it.

Mrs. H: And now I'm broke. I can't possibly pay that. I just don't have that kind of money.

Sandy: I'm afraid we'll have to impound your washer until you pay.

Mandy: We can't take her washer as payment.

Candy: Why not?

Mandy: It doesn't work.

Mrs. H: Didn't you three just fix it?

Mandy: Yeah, but that patch job will only last a couple of weeks.

Candy: We like to think of it as job security.

Mrs. H: I could pay you in stamps.

Sandy: Nothing doing. You'll just have to work it off.

Mrs. H: But I don't know anything about being a handyman.

Candy: Woman!

Mrs. H: Handy-woman.

Mandy: That's all right, neither do we.

Sandy: It's easy. Here, we'll show you. Take this. (hands hammer to Mrs. H)

Mrs. H: What am I supposed to do with a wrench?

Candy: It's a hammer.

Mrs. H: Oh. So where do you plug it in?

Sandy: Hammers are low-tech. They're not powered by electricity, they're powered by elbow grease.

Mrs. H: Elbow grease? Ick! Let me put on some rubber gloves first.

Mandy: Pay attention! I'll hold the nail, and when I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer. Ready? (nods head)

(Mrs. H. hits Mandy on the head with hammer)

Mandy: Ow! What was that for?

Mrs. H: You said when you nodded your head, hit it with the hammer.

Candy: Wow, she's even dumber than you are!

Sandy: Look who's talking! Remember the time you took that IQ test, and it came back negative?

Candy: Oh, yeah? I may not be book smart, but I'm street smart.

Sandy: More like Sesame Street smart.

Mandy: Hey, you two, not in front of our new trainee.

Candy: So, what's your name?

Mrs. H: Andrea. But my friends call me Andie.

Sandy: Perfect! Hey, Mandy, is that your phone ringing?

Mandy: Sure is. (Checks phone) There's a microwave on Chestnut Street that needs our help.

Candy: What are we waiting for?

Sandy: We're Sandy, Mandy, and Candy.

Mrs. H: And Andie.

Candy: Your Handy Dandy Handywoman Team.

Mandy: And our motto is, "If it ain't broke...why'd you call us, anyway?"

(All rush out and exit)

copyright 2022 by Linda Campanella and Whatsits Galore

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