TWO GENTLEMAN OF POMONA
by Linda Campanella

Characters:
Chuck
Stu

Costumes:
none

Props:
none

(Chuck & Stu enter)

Chuck: Hey, Stu.

Stu: What's up, Chuck?

Chuck: Long time no see. You look teriffic. Have you lost weight?

Stu: Yep. It's my new diet. It's awesome.

Chuck: I can't diet, I have an eating disorder. I eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, dis order of bacon...

Stu: Then you should exercise more. I use the workout video "Buns of Steel."

Chuck: I think I'd rather have buns of cinnamon.

Stu: I'm serious.

Chuck: Me, too. I'm serious about food. See, I've got Hershey Bars in this pocket, Gummy Bears in this pocket, and lollipops in this pocket. Want some?

Stu: No, thanks! You are what you eat.

Chuck: (holds out lollipop) Have a Dum Dum?

Stu: Not me! I have a strict rule not to eat anything after 8 PM.

Chuck: That's just wrong. If people aren't supposed to eat at night, then why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

Stu: Just think, if you lost weight, your clothes would fit so much better.

Chuck: I can't argue with that. The way it is now, by the time I get my BVDs on, they spell "boulevard."

Stu: You've got to get some kind of exercise.

Chuck: Well, refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?

Stu: Why don't you come to the gym with me as my guest.

Chuck: Sorry, but I'm known at the gym as the "before picture."

Stu: How about swimming? That's a real calorie-burner.

Chuck: I've never been swimming. It's never been more than half an hour since I've eaten.

Stu: You could always try calisthenics.

Chuck: Sorry, I can't, I hurt my sacroiliac.

Stu: When did you do that?

Chuck: Oh, a week back.

Stu: Well, I hope your lifestyle's not too sedentary. Do you at least get out of the house once in a while?

Chuck: I went window-shopping today. I bought 4 bay windows and a skylight.

Stu: My wife has a black belt in shopping. She's been missing for 3 days now, and I don't know if she left me, or if she just went to the mall.

Chuck: You know, even with a good diet and exercise, there are no guarantees.

Stu: You got that right. Did you hear about poor Rudy?

Chuck: What happened? Did he kick the bucket?

Stu: No, he just turned a little pale. I was with him when it happened.

Chuck: Did you call 911?

Stu: I tried to, but I couldn't find the eleven button.

Chuck: Remember Herb? I saw him last week.

Stu: How is he?

Chuck: He sprained his ankle 6 months ago. He's walking with a cane.

Stu: 6 months ago? That ankle should be healed by now.

Chuck: It is. He's just using the cane as a crutch.

Stu: That is so lame!

Chuck: Are you still driving that beat-up old pickup truck?

Stu: No, I got rid of it. It had water in the carbuerator.

Chuck: How did that happen?

Stu: I drove into the lake.

Chuck: How in the world did you learn to drive?

Stu: I took a crash course.

Chuck: I just bought a new car.

Stu: Did you do any research first?

Chuck: Nope. I was just walking past a dealership when the salesman came out and said, "Come on in. They're bigger than ever and they last a lifetime!' I didn't know he was talking about the payments.

Stu: I wanted to get my car one of those personalized license plates, but they're too expensive. So I'm changing my name to DBO 728.

Chuck: Did you see that new sign they put up at the end of the street? It says, "Watch for children."

Stu: That sounds like a fair trade to me. Is that over in front of that twenty-story hotel?

Chuck: Yep. I hear they're thinking of adding to the top floor.

Stu: Well, that's another story.

Chuck: Last week, I decided to look up some of my old girlfriends.

Stu: How did that work out for you?

Chuck: I'm sure glad I never married any of them. They're all widows now!

Stu: Well, so long, Chuck. It was great seeing you again.

Chuck: Be sure to kiss Ruth for me.

Stu: My wife's name is 'Selma.'

Chuck: Then don't let her catch you kissing Ruth!

(both exit)

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