(Chuck & Stu enter)
Chuck: Hey, Stu.
Stu: What's up, Chuck?
Chuck: Long time no see. You look teriffic. Have you lost weight?
Stu: Yep. It's my new diet. It's awesome.
Chuck: I can't diet, I have an eating disorder. I eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, dis order of bacon...
Stu: Then you should exercise more. I use the workout video "Buns of Steel."
Chuck: I think I'd rather have buns of cinnamon.
Stu: I'm serious.
Chuck: Me, too. I'm serious about food. See, I've got Hershey Bars in this pocket, Gummy Bears in this pocket, and lollipops in this pocket. Want some?
Stu: No, thanks! You are what you eat.
Chuck: (holds out lollipop) Have a Dum Dum?
Stu: Not me! I have a strict rule not to eat anything after 8 PM.
Chuck: That's just wrong. If people aren't supposed to eat at night, then why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
Stu: Just think, if you lost weight, your clothes would fit so much better.
Chuck: I can't argue with that. The way it is now, by the time I get my BVDs on, they spell "boulevard."
Stu: You've got to get some kind of exercise.
Chuck: Well, refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
Stu: Why don't you come to the gym with me as my guest.
Chuck: Sorry, but I'm known at the gym as the "before picture."
Stu: How about swimming? That's a real calorie-burner.
Chuck: I've never been swimming. It's never been more than half an hour since I've eaten.
Stu: You could always try calisthenics.
Chuck: Sorry, I can't, I hurt my sacroiliac.
Stu: When did you do that?
Chuck: Oh, a week back.
Stu: Well, I hope your lifestyle's not too sedentary. Do you at least get out of the house once in a while?
Chuck: I went window-shopping today. I bought 4 bay windows and a skylight.
Stu: My wife has a black belt in shopping. She's been missing for 3 days now, and I don't know if she left me, or if she just went to the mall.
Chuck: You know, even with a good diet and exercise, there are no guarantees.
Stu: You got that right. Did you hear about poor Rudy?
Chuck: What happened? Did he kick the bucket?
Stu: No, he just turned a little pale. I was with him when it happened.
Chuck: Did you call 911?
Stu: I tried to, but I couldn't find the eleven button.
Chuck: Remember Herb? I saw him last week.
Stu: How is he?
Chuck: He sprained his ankle 6 months ago. He's walking with a cane.
Stu: 6 months ago? That ankle should be healed by now.
Chuck: It is. He's just using the cane as a crutch.
Stu: That is so lame!
Chuck: Are you still driving that beat-up old pickup truck?
Stu: No, I got rid of it. It had water in the carbuerator.
Chuck: How did that happen?
Stu: I drove into the lake.
Chuck: How in the world did you learn to drive?
Stu: I took a crash course.
Chuck: I just bought a new car.
Stu: Did you do any research first?
Chuck: Nope. I was just walking past a dealership when the salesman came out and said, "Come on in. They're bigger than ever and they last a lifetime!' I didn't know he was talking about the payments.
Stu: I wanted to get my car one of those personalized license plates, but they're too expensive. So I'm changing my name to DBO 728.
Chuck: Did you see that new sign they put up at the end of the street? It says, "Watch for children."
Stu: That sounds like a fair trade to me. Is that over in front of that twenty-story hotel?
Chuck: Yep. I hear they're thinking of adding to the top floor.
Stu: Well, that's another story.
Chuck: Last week, I decided to look up some of my old girlfriends.
Stu: How did that work out for you?
Chuck: I'm sure glad I never married any of them. They're all widows now!
Stu: Well, so long, Chuck. It was great seeing you again.
Chuck: Be sure to kiss Ruth for me.
Stu: My wife's name is 'Selma.'
Chuck: Then don't let her catch you kissing Ruth!
copyright 2020-2023 by Linda Campanella and Whatsits Galore
Return to Skits & Bits