by Linda Campanella

Note: These characters can be male or female, but you'll need to change the line "Yes, ma'am" to "Yes, sir" as appropriate

none needed, but the server can wear a cap or visor if desired

tray, stuffed dog, shoelace, empty cup, empty plastic water bottle

(Customer enters)

Server: Welcome to Happy Pappy's Happy Hamburger Haven, Home of the Happy Pappy Burger. How can I make your day?

Customer: Uh, yeah. I'll have a chicken sandwich.

Server: A Classic Chicken?

Customer: A plain chicken sandwich.

Server: A Feisty Chicken?

Customer: Just a plain chicken sandwich.

Server: What do you mean by 'plain chicken sandwich?'

Customer: You know...chicken, many kinds can there be?

Server: We have the Spicy Chicken, Fantasy Chicken, Bacon Chicken, Chicken Lickin', Chicken Supreme, Chicken Delight...

Customer: Okay, okay. Give me the Chicken Lickin'.

Server: One Chicken Lickin' sandwich. Is that with or without peanut butter?

Customer: Peanut butter? On a chicken sandwich?

Server: Only on the Chicken Lickin' sandwich. That's what you ordered.

Customer: Unless I want it without peanut butter.

Server: Right.

Customer: Okay, without.

Server: That's one Chicken Lickin' sandwich, no peanut butter. Any sides with that?

Customer: I guess so. What are my choices?

Server: We have Papa's Hot Poppers, Sweet 'n' Crunchy Sidekicks, or Hasty Tasties.

Customer: Huh?

Server: We have Papa's Hot Poppers, Sweet 'n' Crunchy Sidekicks...

Customer: I know what you said. But what are they?

Server: Papa's Hot Poppers are tangy little bites of yummy goodness. Sweet 'n' Crunchy Sidekicks are mini snack morsels, and Hasty Tasties are neat, sweet munchy treats.

Customer: I know less about them now than before your explanation. Are they food?

Server: Oh, yes.

Customer: Fine. I'll have the first one.

Server: Papa's Hot Poppers?

Customer: Whatever.

Server: Large or small?

Customer: Large.

Server: They only come in small.

Customer: Then give me two small.

Server: If it's too small, why do you want it?

Customer: Just give me one of the popper things.

Server: Great! That's one Chicken Lickin' sandwich, and one Papa's Hot Poppers. Anything to drink with that?

Customer: I'll have an Ice Tea.

Server: Icee? The coldest drink in town! It comes in Cherry Chiller, Frozen Fruit Punch, and Brrr-Berry.

Customer: Not Icee, ice tea!

Server: Hi-C? We have Purple Passion, Banana Rama, & Tutti-Frutti.

Customer: I want Ice Tea! Not Icee! Not Hi-C! Ice Tea!

Server: I see.

Customer: Look, any one of the above will do.

Server: Okay, that's 1 Chicken Lickin', 1 Papa's Hot Poppers, and 1 Ice Tea.

Customer: Fine.

Server: Is that small, medium, large, or jumbo?

Customer: Medium.

Server: For here or to go?

Customer: To go.

Server: Paper or plastic?

Customer: Plastic.

Server: Cash or charge?

Customer: Cash.

Server: Democrat or Republican? Sorry, got carried away.

Customer: Look, forget it. I'll go to the place across the street.

Server: But they use fillers and artificial ingredients. Our products are made from 100% real ingredients.

Customer: Really?

Server: Yep. We only use real chicken in the chicken sandwich and real cherries in the cherry pie.

Customer: In that case, let me have a number 4 combo.

Server: Here you go. Enjoy. (pulls out tray with stuffed dog, shoelace, empty cup)

Customer: What's all this?

Server: This is your order. Enjoy.

Customer: What's that supposed to be? (holds up dog)

Server: That's your hot dog. I told you we only use real ingredients.

Customer: And this? (holds up shoelace)

Server: Those are your shoestring fries.

Customer: And the enpty cup?

Server: That's your Coke Zero.

Customer: That does it, I'm going to the place across the street.

Server: Aren't you forgetting something?

Customer: What's that?

Server: You forgot to pay. That'll be $6.50.

Customer: Six-fifty? For a pooch, a shoelace, and an empty cup?

Server: Yes, ma'am.

Customer: Is plastic okay?

Server: Sure!

Customer: Here. (hands him plastic bottle) I have six hundred and forty-nine more out in the car. (exits)

Server: (looks at bottle) I'm gonna need a bigger cash drawer. (exits)

copyright 2015-2022 by Linda Campanella and Whatsits Galore

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