by Linda Campanella

Characters (can be male or female):

none; Doctor can wear a lab coat, scrubs, or stethoscope if desired

Doctor: Next patient, please.

(Patient enters)

Doctor: Oh, it's you again. What's the trouble this time?

Patient: Oh, doctor, I think I broke my arm in two places!

Doctor: Well, stay out of those places.

Patient: I also have this pain in my right leg.

Doctor: That's just old age.

Patient: But my left leg doesn't hurt, and it's just as old. Not only that, but I'm having trouble sleeping.

Doctor: Just sit on the edge of the bed. You'll soon drop off.

Patient: And yesterday I swallowed a chicken bone.

Doctor: Are you choking?

Patient: No, I'm serious.

Doctor: Any other problems?

Patient: I can't stop my hands from shaking.

Doctor: Do you drink a lot?

Patient: No, I spill most of it. But when I do drink a cup of coffee, I get a terrible pain in my eye.

Doctor: Try taking the spoon out of the cup.

Patient: That doesn't sound very professional. Can I get a second opinion?

Doctor: Sure, come back tomorrow.

Patient: Can you cure my sleepwalking?

Doctor: Take these.

Patient: What are they? Sleeping pills?

Doctor: No, thumb tacks. Put them on the floor around your bed. That'll cure you.

Patient: But, doctor, I'm a wreck. My heart is racing, my stomache is nauseated, my kidneys are shot.

Doctor: Never mind the organ recital. Did you follow my instructions and gargle one hour before breakfast every day?

Patient: I tried, but I could only keep it up for 15 minutes.

Doctor: All right, then, take this red pill with a glass of water in the morning, and this blue pill with a glass of water in the afternoon, and this green pill with a glass of water at night.

Patient: Doctor, what's wrong with me?

Doctor: You're not drinking enough water. Now, is there anything else?

Patient: I'm having trouble with my breathing.

Doctor: I'll put a stop to that.

Patient: Also my mind keeps wandering.

Doctor: Don't worry, it's too weak to get far.

Patient: I feel like I'm at death's door.

Doctor: I'll pull you through.

Patient: I think I have water on the brain. What's the treatment for that?

Doctor: Oh, usually just a tap on the head.

Patient: Lately, I snore so loudly, I wake myself up.

Doctor: Have you tried sleeping in another room?

Patient: I'm also worried about my waistline.

Doctor: You'll have to diet.

Patient: What color? Besides that, I think I may have low blood pressure.

Doctor: Wait'll you get my bill. That'll fix it.

Patient: I swallowed a clock last year.

Doctor: Why didn't you come to me sooner?

Patient: I didn't want to alarm anybody.

Doctor: All right, I'll give you a prescription.

Patient: Will these pills really work?

Doctor: I think so. Nobody's ever come back for more.

Patient: Those last pills you gave me just made me worse.

Doctor: Did you follow the instructions: take every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday, and skip the rest of the days of the week?

Patient: Yes, but all that skipping was exhausting!

Doctor: What about the pills I gave you before that?

Patient: They gave me a broken leg.

Doctor: How could pills give you a broken leg?

Patient: You told me to follow the prescription. Well, it blew out the window.

Doctor: By the way, are you signed up to be an organ donor?

Patient: No, but I once gave a piano to the Salvation Army.

Doctor: Do you have any other symptoms I should know about?

Patient: I think I'm losing my memory.

Doctor: When did this start?

Patient: When did what start? I should tell you I still see spots in front of my eyes.

Doctor: Did you get the glasses I suggested?

Patient: Yes. Now I see the spots much more clearly. And I think I'm catching a cold.

Doctor: There's no cure for the common cold.

Patient: But you have to do something.

Doctor: All right. Go home and take a hot bath. Then open all the windows and stand in the draft.

Patient: If I do that, I'll get pneumonia!

Doctor: I know. I can cure pneumonia.

Patient: My kids say I don't love them any more. I haven't kissed or hugged them since my last visit.

Doctor: Why not?

Patient: The medecine you gave me says, "Keep away from children." I also have a pain in my side. Do you think I have acute appendicitis?

Doctor: It's not bad, but I've seen cuter.

Patient: If you won't take out my appendix, I'll just perform my own operation.

Doctor: Well, suture self.

Patient: I'm still having these headaches. Did you get the results from the x-rays you took of my head?

Doctor: We x-rayed your head and found nothing.

Patient: I don't understand why you can't find anything wrong with me. Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Doctor: Of course! I've been in practice for twenty years.

Patient: After all that time, you'd think you'd stop practicising and get it right. I heard about a man who was being treated for diptheria, and he died of typhus.

Doctor: Don't worry. If I treat you for diptheria, you'll die of diptheria.

Patient: Doctor, I've been coming to you for years, but you never seem to find out what's wrong. Have you made a diagnosis?

Doctor: Yes. You're a hypochondriac.

Patient: I knew it! Will I need surgery for that?

Doctor: No, it means your illness is all in your head.

Patient: I need brain surgery?!

Doctor: Calm down. You only think you're sick.

Patient: How can that be? I hurt all over.

Doctor: What do you mean, "all over?"

Patient: Watch. (Paient pokes self with one finger over and over in different spots) Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Doctor: Oh, you have a broken finger.

Patient: Is that all? Can't you prescribe something?

Doctor: All right. Here's a prescription.

Patient: I can't read your handwriting. What does it say?

Doctor: It says, "Find another doctor, and call him in the morning."

(both exit)

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