3 WISHES, MORE OR LESS
by Linda Campanella

Characters:
Ruby, Midge, & DeeDee, 3 elderly ladies
Genie, can be male or female

Costumes: genie wears a turban

Props: blue ribbon, bottle, 2 pieces of paper

(Ruby enters first, waiting impatiently until Midge and DeeDee enter)

DeeDee: Sorry we're late, Ruby. Were you waiting long?

Ruby: Long enough to play six games of Farmville. This is no way to start a shopping trip.

Midge: It wasn't my fault. It's my lazy husband who makes me late all the time.

Ruby: If my husband dared to make me late, then I'd make him The Late Floyd Beevis.

Midge: But my Chuck is always wanting something. It's "Can you answer the phone? I'm in the shower." "Can you drive me to the emergency room? I broke my leg." "Can you call the fire department? The curtains are burning." Gimmie, gimmie, gimmie!

DeeDee: Husbands can be so needy.

Ruby: Well, next time, if you can't be on time, then be early.

Midge: Let's head for the Mall anyway. Maybe there are still a few bargains left.

DeeDee: Wait a minute. What's that over there? There's something glinting in the sun.

Midge: Where? I don't see anything.

DeeDee: It's right there. Put on your bifocals.

Midge: I still can't see it. Your eyes must be playing tricks on you.

(DeeDee stands next to bottle and points) It's right here. Any idiot could see it.

Ruby: Well, you certainly proved that point.

DeeDee: Hey! I resemble that remark.

Midge: Face it, DeeDee, you're not the sharpest tool on the tree.

DeeDee: Well at least I can see what's right in front of me. You know your trouble? You look like a man. You don't look like a man. But you look like a man.

Ruby: Enough arguing. What did you find already?

(Midge picks up bottle)

Midge: It's an old bottle.

DeeDee: Is that all? I thought it might be something valuable. Just pitch it.

Ruby: No, wait, don't toss it. I can use that.

Midge: The last of the great dumpster-divers. What are you going to do with that worthless old bottle?

Ruby: It's not worthless. It will be very useful...um...in case I get shipwrecked on an island, I'll need something to put a note in.

DeeDee: I wouldn't keep that dirty old thing. It looks like it's been lying around for centuries.

Ruby: I can clean it up. Watch, I'll rub the dirt off.

(Genie jumps out in Ta-Dah pose. Waits.)

Ruby: See? It's coming clean.

Midge: Yeah, but it's still just a worthless old bottle.

Genie: Ahem.

DeeDee: Are you catching a cold? Your voice sounds a little raspy.

Genie: Woo-hoo! I'm over here!

(They turn to look, then stare without moving)

Genie: Well, don't everybody applaud at once.

Ruby: And just who are you supposed to be?

Genie: I'm a great and powerful genie. I was trapped inside that bottle, but when you rubbed it, you set me free.

Midge: You're a genie? You don't look like I would've expected.

Genie: Of course I'm a genie. Haven't you ever heard of genie with the light brown hair?

DeeDee: Looks more like light gray to me.

Genie: So next time I get imprisoned inside a bottle, I'll make sure it's a bottle of Lady Clairol.

Ruby: Lighten up. None of us are getting any younger.

DeeDee: Speak for yourself. At my 50th birthday, I started counting backwards. I'm down to 27.

Midge: Well, that doesn't change anything. You're still old.

DeeDee: I'm not old, I'm elderly.

Midge: All I know is, you're elderly-er than me.

Genie: Ladies, can we focus on what's important here? Me, for instance?

Ruby: What's with the towel on your head? Do you have a headache.

Genie: It's not a towel. It's a turban.

Midge: Turban? Isn't that one of those things out at the dam that makes electricity?

Ruby: That's a turbine.

DeeDee: I thought a turbine was a kind of rifle.

Midge: That's a carbine!

Ruby: No, a carbine is what you get when you make copies the old-school way.

DeeDee: That's a carbon!

Midge: But isn't a carbon a kind of hat made from a towel wound around your head?

Genie: That's a turban.

Ruby: So, Genie, are you any good at...genie-ing?

Genie: I sure am. I was top of my class at Genie Intramural City University. Maybe you've heard of it: GICU? Yeah, I was voted most likely to succumb, er, succeed, class of '42.

DeeDee: 1942?

Genie: Nope, just 42. Now, ladies, you get three wishes for freeing a genie from a bottle. Who wants to go first?

Ruby: Me! I know exactly what I want. Enough money to buy a thousand tubas.

DeeDee: Why would you want a thousand tubas?

Ruby: I don't. I just want the money.

Midge: You're so greedy. Money can't buy happiness, you know.

Ruby: I know that. But I say, if you've got to be unhappy, you might as well be unhappy in a pair of designer shoes and matching purse.

DeeDee: I've been to your house and you already have enough shoes to outfit a centipede.

Genie: C'mon, c'mon, I don't have all century. What is your first wish?

Ruby: I wish for a million dollars!

Genie: Here you go. (hands her a piece of paper)

Ruby: What is this? A check?

Genie: Naw, the money's already in your bank account. I've been using direct deposit since 1373. No, this is a notice that you owe sixty per cent of that million in back taxes.

Ruby: I might've known there'd be a catch.

Genie: With money, there's always a catch.

Ruby: Well, then, I'll just fix that with my second wish. Genie, I wish for ten million dollars.

Genie: Granted. By the way, here.

Ruby: More back taxes?

Genie: Nope, a subpoena. You're being audited by the IRS.

Ruby: You can't be serious.

Genie: Big bucks equal big trouble. Get used to it.

Ruby: Okay, okay, no amount of money is worth this. For my third wish, take away the money and the IRS, and just give me three hundred dollars. I need to pay my electric bill.

Genie: That's more like it. A nice, reasonable wish. "Foop!"

Ruby: 'Foop?' What kind of a word is Foop?

Genie: It's 'poof' spelled backwards. It reverses the last wish. Check your bank account tonight, but remember, funds may not be available on the day of deposit. Okay, now it's your turn. What would you like, Binky? More money?

Midge: You think I'm as greedy as she is? I want something much more important than money.

Genie: Cheesecake?

Midge: Even better. I never get the recognition I deserve. I need a testimonial. Or a plaque. Or a medal... Wait, I've got it! A lasting tribute in stone. Genie, make me a statue.

Genie: Okay, Bibbiddi-bobbiddi-boo! You're a statue.

(Midge freezes)

Genie: Ha! That never gets old.

DeeDee: I don't think that's what she had in mind.

Genie: I call 'em like I hear 'em.

Ruby: Looks like you made a Bibbiddi-bobbiddi-boo-boo.

DeeDee: I don't know about that...she looks great. I think Midge would be proud of it. If she wasn't, you know...frozen in stone for eternity. Or maybe even longer.

Ruby: You better use one of your wishes to change her back.

DeeDee: I'm not wasting one of my wishes. You use one of yours.

Ruby: I don't have any more wishes. I used them up, remember?

DeeDee: Why change her back? We could plant flowers around her, add a little fountain...make her into a bird bath.

Ruby: Wait, be quiet. (Leans over to listen to statue) I think she's trying to say something. It sounds like, "My mish moo me mooman ma-gain."

DeeDee: 'My mish moo me mooman ma-gain?'

Genie: Don't worry, I speak marble. She said, "I wish to be human again." Second wish coming up. Zap! You're back to normal. Or whatever passes for normal for you.

(Midge moves again)

Midge: A bird bath? Some friends you turned out to be. Thanks for nothing! And as for you, Genie, did you have to take my wish so literally?

Genie: Of course. That's part of the genie code.

Midge: What is it, written in stone?

Genie: Not the code; just our customers. You'd be surprised at how many people make that same mistake. I've turned wishers into everything from a two-bedroom duplex to a hot fudge sundae. By the way, kiddo, you still have one wish coming. Take my advice, make it a small wish.

Midge: Okay, okay. I wish for a small token of appreciation.

Genie: Granted. (hands her a blue ribbon)

Ruby: A blue ribbon? What does it say, Midge?

Midge: "Thanks for all your hard work." It's very nice, but, Genie, you spelled my name wrong.

Genie: Oh, sorry. Let me fix that, on the house. Sim sim salla sollew!

Midge: It's still spelled wrong. You didn't change it.

Genie: Not the ribbon. I changed your name.

Midge: Great. From now on, just call me 'Madge.'

Genie: Two down and one to go. Now, Chuckles, what'll it be? Fame? Fortune? Oh, wait, we tried those already.

DeeDee: I'm thinking.

Genie: How about love? Power? Youth? Puppies?

DeeDee: I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

Genie: C'mon, I don't have all millennium.

Midge: Yeah, and I want to go have this ribbon framed.

Ruby: And I have to go pay my electric bill.

Midge: And we still have to get to the mall.

Ruby: And I have to get home and start dinner.

DeeDee: Oh, I wish you'd all shut up for one minute!

(Ruby and Midge open their mouths, but nothing comes out. Genie checks watch.)

DeeDee: I wish I hadn't said that.

Genie: Granted. Ala-ka-seltzer!

Ruby: Said what?

DeeDee: I don't know.

Midge: Me neither. Oh, well, back to those wishes of yours.

DeeDee: This is so tough! I wish I knew what to wish for.

Genie: Granted. Abra-ca-dabba-do!

DeeDee: That's it! I know what I want! Awww....

Genie: Yep. Three up, and three down. My job is done.

Ruby: Well, Midge...

Midge: It's Madge, remember?

Ruby: Oh, yeah. Madge, are you satisfied with the way things turned out?

Midge: Actually, I am. I don't think fame is all it's cracked up to be.

DeeDee: And, even though we don't say it enough, we appreciate you.

Midge: You do?

DeeDee: Sure. And we promise never to take you for granite.

Midge: Very funny.

Genie: How about you, Emerald?

Ruby: Ruby.

Genie: Whatever. Are you happy with your wish?

Ruby: Oh, I'm fine. I don't really want to be a millionaire. It would take all the fun out of bargain-hunting and coupon-clipping.

DeeDee: I'm good, too.

Midge: But you didn't get any wishes at all.

DeeDee: True, but I got something better.

Ruby: Oh, yeah? What?

DeeDee: I got...um...wait...I guess I didn't get anything.

Midge: You've got us, right?

Ruby: Friends forever.

DeeDee: Oh, yeah, that was it.

Genie: Well, looks like all's well that ends well. So, I'll be on my way. Say, mind if I have that back? (takes bottle)

Midge: The bottle? But it was your prison. Now that you're free, you're gonna keep it?

Genie: Sure, it's worth five cents in Maine and Massachussetts.

DeeDee: Come on, girls, the Mall is still waiting.

Ruby: Somewhere out there is a sale with my name on it.

Midge: And I've got coupons burning a hole in my pocket.

(3 women exit)

Genie: I thought they'd never leave. That was the most fun I've had since I broke the nose off the Sphinx! Time to get back inside the old bottle and find some more loony ladies!

(exits)