Costumes: animal masks and accessories can be purchased at party stores
drawing of an egg; 4 paper bags
Narrator: Those of you who are pet owners often try to figure out what Fido or Fluffy is thinking. And if you're at all a student of nature, you may have observed animals in the wild and wondered what they were saying to each other. Today we will give you the opportunity to hear what 4 particular animals -- a rabbit, a bear, a bird, and a wolf -- are saying in a very common, familiar setting: the zoo.
(Narrator exits; all four animals put on their costumes; all 4 yawn and stretch as if waking up)
Rabbit: Wake up, everybody. Five minutes 'til showtime.
Bird: I can't believe it's time again already.
Bear: Me, neither. I feel like I could hibernate for a week!
Rabbit: No time for that. The zoo's almost open; the crowds will be here any minute.
Bear: Oink, oink.
Bird: Oink? Since when does a bear oink?
Bear: I decided to take up a foreign language in my spare time.
Bird: Well, bring on the tourists. Just give me a little more preening time, and I'm all set.
Bear: Keeping all those feathers groomed must be a real pain. Me, I just go around in my bear skin.
Rabbit: Oh, you are in rare form today, Bosco. Hey, Tweety, is that a new animal in the cage next to you?
Bird: Well, so it is! I was wondering when they' get around to filling that empty spot. Morning, stranger. It looks like we'll be neighbors. I'm Tweety. Allow me to introduce you to the gang. That's Flopsy on the end.
Rabbit: Hi, there.
Bird: And that's Bosco.
Bear: Howdy, neigh-bear.
Wolf: Um, how's that again?
Rabbit: You'll get used to Bosco. We all had to. I don't believe I caught your name.
Wolf: I don't believe I threw it.
Bird: No need to snap. It was just a friendly question.
Wolf: Sorry. Stress of a new location. My name's Sparky.
Rabbit: 'Sparky'? Who ever heard of a wolf named 'Sparky'?
Wolf: Okay, my real name's Lobo. I'm trying to change my image.
Bear: But, seriously...Sparky? Not exactly a name to make little pigs run for cover.
Wolf: Exactly. The wolf is always the villain. But I figure, just because I'm a bad guy doesn't mean I have to be a bad guy. I'm trying to get in touch with my inner dog.
Bird: Inner dog? How does that work, exactly?
Wolf: I figure if I can convince the tourists I'm a dog, maybe one of them will adopt me.
Bear: Oh, come on!
Wolf: No, really, I've been practicing. Watch this. I can sit up (Sits up and begs). I can roll over (lays down and rolls over). I can bark. (Growls) Okay, the barking needs work.
Rabbit: Listen, pal, I don't mean to throw ants on your picnic, but this isn't the Humane Society. Nobody comes here to adopt an animal. Look at me. I'd make a great pet. But nobody ever takes me home.
Wolf: You're just jealous because rabbits don't have the natural apeal of us canines.
Rabbit: Are you kidding? I'm 10 times cuter than you'll ever be!
Wolf: But can you wag your tail? You don't even have a tail.
Rabbit: I do so have a tail!
Wolf: That powder puff? It looks like something that belongs on the end of a Q-Tip.
Bear: Knock it off, you guys. Here come the tourists. The zoo is officially open, so bear that in mind.
Rabbit: Lame, Bosco, lame.
Bird: Looks like a good crowd today.
Wolf: What a bunch of yokels. Do they always stare like that?
Rabbit: Oh, sure. we're the main attraction. You'll get used to it.
Bear: Actually, it can be fun. After all, they don't have the slightest idea what we're saying. Hey, Mister! Your shirt is ugly!
Rabbit: You have spinach in your teeth!
Bird: How about that lady's hair? I used to have a nest that looked like that.
Wolf: I see what you mean--I think that tall guy in the back doesn't know the eightes are over.
Rabbit: Uh-oh, Photo Op!
(All 4 strike different poses and FREEZE for a few seconds)
Wolf: As I was saying, I see a few likely prospects. Watch me work the crowd. I'll be a pet before you know it!
(Wolf sits up and begs, whining; pants with tongue hanging out; offers paw)
Bear: Hey, you're good!
Wolf: All it takes is practice. And natural adorable-ness.
Bird: Looks like you got no takers. Everybody is moving on to the alligator pool.
Rabbit: Too bad for them. That exhibit is closed.
Bear: How come?
Rabbit: One of the alligators died. A koala killed him.
Wolf: How could a harmless little koala kill an alligator?
Rabbit: I guess it got stuck in his throat.
Bird: So, Lobo, why do you want to be a pet so badly?
Wolf: Because it's the good life.
Bear: Tell us about it. But just the bear facts.
Wolf: Dogs have nothing to do all day but eat, sleep, and slobber. Good food, squeaky toys... And then when nobody's home, you get to lay on the couch.
Bird: I don't know about that.
Rabbit: Photo Op!
(All 4 strike different poses and FREEZE for a few seconds)
Bird: As I was saying, my cousin Pretty Boy says being a pet isn't all it's cracked up to be. Every day it's "Polly wanna cracker, Polly wanna cracker." And all he ever gets to read is yesterday's newspaper.
Rabbit: Besides, you might end up a working dog. Have you ever herded cows?
Wolf: Yeah, they go 'Moo, moo.'
Bear: Thanks, same to you.
Bear: I took 2 years of Conversational Cow at Yellowstone Junior College.
Rabbit: I meant a cow herd.
Wolf: Who cares what a cow heard?
Bird: Never mind that. Look! That lady has a video camera!
Bear: You know what that means: don't move a muscle.
(All 4 FREEZE looking straight ahead)
Rabbit: Did she give up yet?
Bird: Almost...yeah, she's done.
(All 4 move normally again)
Bear: That never gets old.
Wolf: So, when's meal time around here?
Rabbit: The keepers will be along in a little while with breakfast.
Wolf: I hope so. So far, the only animals getting anything to eat are my fleas. Is the food any good?
Bear: Yeah, but it's nothing fancy. Just the bear necessities.
Rabbit: Where is that keeper? I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse-radish.
Bear: My stomache is growling like a...well, you know. What I'd really love is a nice omelet.
Bird: What are you, a cannibal?
Bear: Oh, don't be so sensitive.
Bird: Sensitive? How would you feel if I ate a...a...cub sandwich?
Wolf: That's entirely different.
Bird: Well, I don't agree.
Wolf: All I can say is, it's a good thing there are bars between us. Because your drumsticks are beginning to look really good.
Bird: You'd better not try to eat me. I'll just give you a belly-ache.
Wolf: How do you figure?
Bird: I just said I disagree with you. And you know if you eat something that disagrees with you, you'll get a belly-ache.
Rabbit: Here comes the keeper. Heads up, everybody!
(All 4 pretend to catch something.)
Rabbit: Oh, boy! Salad on a bed of mixed greens!
Wolf: Throw it back! How can you eat that stuff?
Rabbit: Vegetables are very good for you. You should try them sometime.
Wolf: No thanks. If God had meant us to eat vegetables, he wouldn't have filled little animals with meat.
Bird: What did you get, Bosco?
Bear: Raw fish. Delicious! But I think they put a little too much paprika in the du jour sauce. I also got some shrimp on the side.
Wolf: Shrimp? Would you consider sharing?
Bear: Not a chance!
Wolf: Well, that's just shellfish.
Rabbit: Is that all you got, Tweety? A handful of seeds?
Bird: That's okay, I'll only peck at it anyway.
Wolf: I got a nice big chop! I think it's seasoned with garlic.
Bear: Whoa! Then your bark will sure be worse than your bite!
Wolf: (howls) Owwwoooooooo!
Rabbit: Do you have to howl? The moon isn't even out yet.
Wolf: I wasn't howling at the moon. I bit my tongue.
Bird: Hey, did somebody open the monkey cage?
Wolf: Those aren't monkeys. They're human children.
Bird: Feeding time always brings the little kids. I guess they like to watch somebody else gobble, slurp, and chew with their mouth open for a change.
Bear: Oh, man, look at that bunch! I haven't seen this many funny faces since my days with the circus.
Rabbit: If only humans could look as cute as we do. Animal babies are adorable.
Bird: Speaking of beautiful babies...
Rabbit: Oh, no, not again!
Bird: Have I ever shown you my baby picture?
Bear: Only a million times, as near as I can remem-bear.
Bird: Very funny. But Lobo hasn't seen it. Take a look at this!
(Bird holds up picture of an egg)
Wolf: Wow, is that you? You look so...round...
Bear: Don't you just want to eat her up?
Bird: I was so adorable.
Rabbit: Yeah, wonder what happened.
Bird: Keep that up if you want to join the endangered species list.
Rabbit: Listen, you...Photo Op!
(All 4 spin around and FREEZE for a few seconds FACING BACKWARDS. Then they turn back to the audience)
Bear: Put that on your Facebook page!
Wolf: With all these kids around, I'm gonna try my doggie routine. (Wolf holds up hands in begging pose, whines, then pants for a few seconds. Then makes motion as if catching something)
Rabbit: Wow! They really like you!
Bird: What'd they throw you?
Wolf: A Tootsie Roll!
Bear: Oh, boy! I think I'll try that. (Bear holds up hands in begging pose, whines, then pants for a few seconds. Then makes motion as if catching something)
Bird: What'd you get, Bosco?
Bear: A breath mint.
Rabbit: Out of the mouths of babes...
Wolf: Hey, where's everybody going?
Bear: It's closing time. The tourists are leaving.
Wolf: Wait! Wait! Take me with you! I want to live in the suburbs, and chase squirrels, and fetch the paper!
Bird: No good, Lobo. Say good-bye to the nice people.
Wolf: Aw, nuts. Now there's nothing to look forward to but a long boring night with you three.
Rabbit: Says who? Our nights aren't boring as long as I have these. (Takes out keys)
Wolf: Where'd you get those?
Rabbit: I always keep a spare set of keys around. They come in handy at times.
Bird: That's our Flopsy. For a rabbit, he makes a great cat burglar.
Rabbit: So where are we off to tonight? The porcupine enclosure?
Bear: Only if we're stuck.
Rabbit: The wildebeest pen?
Bear: That would be gnu.
Rabbit: How about the hyena cage?
Bear: Yeah, they're always good for a laugh.
Bird: Enough already! I can't take another one of your corny jokes!
Bear: Well, you'll just have to grin and...put up with it.
(All 4 exit)
copyright 2019 by Linda Campanella and Whatsits Galore
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