THE BIG SCOOP
by Linda Campanella

Based on a well-known joke

Characters:
Reporter
Doctor
Man

Props:
none

Reporter: I can't take it anymore. I just can't take it. I used to be a first-class reporter, but I haven't had a big story in years. I'm finished. Washed up. I've got a good mind to jump off this bridge and end it all. (looks down, as if to jump off the edge)

Doctor: (runs over) Wait! Don't jump!

Reporter: Why not? My career is over.

Doctor: It can't be that bad. Look at me...I must be the worst doctor in the world. And you don't see me jumping off a bridge.

Reporter: I bet you're a better doctor than I am a reporter.

Doctor: Oh, yeah? I performed an apendectomy on a patient, and I left a sponge inside him by mistake.

Reporter: Does it cause him much pain?

Doctor: No, but he does get awful thirsty. Besides that, I had my license revoked.

Reporter: What happened?

Doctor: On the death certificate, where it said "Cause of Death," I signed my name.

Reporter: That's awful.

Doctor: You're right. I'm a total failure. In fact, I'm thinking of jumping off this bridge with you.

(both look down as if to jump)

Reporter: One...two...

Man: (runs up) Stop! Don't Jump!

Reporter: Why not? My career is a failure.

Doctor: Mine, too.

Man: Well, What about me? I can't hold down any job. Last week, I was hired to paint the white lines down the middle of the road. But I was fired after three days.

Reporter: What happened?

Man: On the first day, I painted six miles. On the second day, I painted two miles. And on the third day, I painted only one mile.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Man: I kept getting farther and farther away from the paint can. Then I became an apprentice to a carpenter. He fired me, too.

Reporter: Why's that?

Man: He was teaching me how to use a hammer. He held the nail in place and said, "When I nod my head, you hit it." So I did.

Doctor: That's terrible.

Man: Yeah. I feel like ending it all. I want to jump off the bridge with you guys.

Reporter: Then it's agreed. If you can't hold a job, and you can't practice medicine, and I can't get a big story, we'll all jump together.

(all three line up and prepare to jump)

Reporter: One...two...THREE!

(Doctor and Man jump; Reporter just stands there)

Doctor and Man: Aaaaaahhhhhhhhh! (both exit)

Reporter: (exits while talking) Double Suicide at Downtown Bridge. Last night, two men jumped into the river from the Main Street bridge...

copyright 2012-2017 by Linda Campanella and Whatsits Galore

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