cowboy and Indian attire, a woman's wig
sheriff's badge, 2 toy guns, lady's purse, rubber chicken, hand mirror
(Sheriff enters, looking around nervously)
Sheriff: I gotta be brave. Gold Gulch City is depending on me. That's why they elected me sheriff. That, and the fact that nobody else wanted the job. And now I know why. Tombstone Tex is headed for town, the rootin-est, tootin-est, shootin-est desperado there is. And he swore to gun down the new sheriff on sight. I gotta be brave. (pretends he's facing a desperado) Now look here, Tombstone Tex, this town ain't big enough for the both of us. I'm giving you 'til high noon to git outta Gold Gulch City. I'm not forgettin' how you stole my only true love away from me...my Betty Sue...nor my other only true love, Thelma Grace...nor my other true loves, Sally Jane, Rhoda Maria, and...what's-her-name, the redhead...
(Farmer Joe enters)
Joe: Listen, Sheriff, you better come in outta that hot sun. It's startin' to affect your brain.
Sheriff: Oh, it's only you, Farmer Joe. I thought it was Tombstone Tex. He'll be here any minute, a-rootin' and a-tootin'.
Joe: It ain't the rootin' and the tootin' that worries me. It's the shootin'.
Sheriff: Me, too. That's why I'm practicing. How's this: Tombstone Tex, I'm the fastest gun west of the Pecos. I'm so fast, I can shoot an apple off my own head. How's that, Joe?
Joe: Well, you're certainly the fastest mouth west of the Pecos.
Sheriff: That won't help me against Tombstone Tex.
Joe: Hey, I got an idea. Once at a rodeo I saw a feller use a mirror to shoot a target over his shoulder.
Sheriff: That's a great idea! Tombstone Tex won't even know I'm lookin' at him! (turns back to audience, looks into mirror, points gun over his shoulder and yells:) Bang!
(Rubber chicken falls onto the stage)
Sheriff: Sorry, Joe, I'll pay for that.
(Falling Rocks enters)
Falling Rocks: How-dy, Sheriff, Farmer Joe.
Sheriff: Oh, it's only you, Falling Rocks. I thought it was Tombstone Tex.
Falling Rocks: No way. Everybody knows Falling Rocks, the toughest Indian in the west. Why, every few miles there's another sign: Beware Falling Rocks.
Joe: You're tough, Falling Rocks, but not as tough as your brother Deer Crossing. I just saw a sign that said Danger! Deer Crossing.
Falling Rocks: My whole family is tough. There's Winding Road, Slippery When Wet...
Sheriff: That's great, tough guy! Then you can help me fight Tombstone Tex!
Falling Rocks: No way, Jose! I'm tough, not crazy. Tombstone Tex is the most dangerous gunslinger in the territory!
Sheriff: I know. And he's comin' for me!
Joe: Calm down, Sheriff. Here. You might want this badge. It belonged to the last sheriff.
Sheriff: It's bent.
Joe: Yep, it stopped a bullet while the sheriff was wearing it.
Sheriff: Wow! It must've saved his life!
Joe: It would have, if it hadn't been for all those other bullets.
Sheriff: Uh-oh, I hear him coming. Tombstone Tex is here! Cover for me, boys, I have an idea. (Sheriff exits)
Falling Rocks: Looks like the Sheriff is chicken. He ran off at the first sign of trouble.
Tex: I'm Tombstone Tex, the rootin-est, tootin-est desperado in the west.
Joe: Don't forget 'shootin-est.'
Tex: I won't forget. Expecially when I see that sheriff. Where is the no good polecat?
Falling Rocks: The no good polecat was here a second ago.
Joe: He must be around here somewhere.
Tex: Well, when I find him, I'll fill him so full of lead, he'll be using his finger for a pencil!
(Sheriff enters wearing wig and carrying purse)
Sheriff: Excuse me, gentlemen, but could you direct me to the nearest powder room?
Tex: Well, what have we here?
Falling Rocks: Looks like a girl with a five o'clock shadow to me.
Tex: Howdy, ma'am. My name's Tombstone Tex.
Sheriff: Oh, are you from Texas?
Tex: No, Louisiana.
Sheriff: Then why do they call you Tex?
Tex: Who ever heard of a desperado called Louise?
Sheriff: Hee, hee. Oh, Mr. Tombstone, you are such a wit.
Joe: Only half, I'd say.
Tex: A pretty gal like you shouldn't walk the streets alone. May I escort you?
Falling Rocks: Don't do it, Miss. Tombstone Tex is a dangerous outlaw.
Sheriff: But he's so strong, and manly...
Joe: And near-sighted.
Sheriff: And handsome, and polite...
(Tex lowers his head shyly)
Tex: Aw, shucks, ma'am.
(Sheriff hits Tex with purse; Tex drops gun; Sheriff picks it up)
Sheriff: And dumb as a brick.
Falling Rocks: Nice work, Sheriff.
Tex: You have a female sheriff? What's the west comin' to?
Sheriff: Your rootin', tootin' days are over, Tex. It's off to the hoosgow for you, you varmint.
Tex: That's not very lady-like talk.
Falling Rocks: Come on, Tex, get with the program. That's no lady.
Tex: It's your wife?
Joe: I'll explain it to you later, Tex.
Sheriff: This purse sure came in handy! I'm gonna reccommend that all sheriffs carry one.
Falling Rocks: Maybe you should get out of that wig now. It's starting to affect your brain.
Sheriff: Don't be silly. Bring Tex along and follow me, boys.
Joe: But, Sheriff, the jail's this way.
Sheriff: I know. But Tex's trial will be the day after tomorrow, and I need to look my best. So I'm off to...
Falling Rocks: The barber shop?
Sheriff: Pearl's Beauty Boutique. Gotta get me a perm.
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