THE PERILS OF Polly: A Musical
by Linda Campanella

Characters:
Farmer Greer--The Father
Polly Sue--The Girl
Despicable Dan--The Villain
Will Victor--The Hero
The Chorus--one member can also serve as The Narrator

Props:
stick of dynamite (can be made from a cardboard paper towel tube); piece of aluminum foil

(The Chorus stands off to the side throughout the production)

Chorus: (to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies" theme)

Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Greer,

A poor old farmer in debt up to here.

His barns were empty and he had a load of bills,

He was the sorriest feller in them thar hills.

All his sheep went bald and his cows ran dry,

But he had a pretty daughter, the apple of his eye.

He called her in to the parlor one day.

Now listen and you'll hear what Greer had to say.

(Greer enters on one side of the stage, Polly on the other side)

Greer: Come here fer a minute, Polly Sue. I got somethin' to tell ya.

Polly: Right now, Pa? I was jest sewin' a new dress fer Sunday.

Greer: Right now, Polly. Put down that burlap and git over here.

Narrator: So sweet Polly Sue reluctantly put down her sewing and tripped daintily into the room.

(Polly crosses to Greer, stumbling on the way)

Polly: What is it, Pa?

Greer: I know this is gonna come as a shock to ya, daughter, but we ain't rich no more.

Polly: Oh, say it ain't so, Pa!

Greer: And that ain't the half of it. We ain't got the cash to pay the mortgage on this here farm, and D.D...(Greer freezes mid-sentence)

Narrator: D.D. was Despicable Dan, the meanest man in the territory.

Greer ...wants his dough today!

Polly: So what happened to the family fortune, Pa?

Greer: (to the tune of "Polly Wolly Doodle")

Oh, I ran this farm, and I did my best,

But, Polly, it's a struggle every day.

The bookkeepin' is an awful mess,

And, Polly, we're in trouble every way.

Fare thee well. Fare thee well.

Fare thee well, my dear, old home.

We haven't any money, and it isn't very funny,

'Cause it looks like we are domed.

...doomed.

Narrator: While Polly and her father lamented their unenviable situation, in slithered Despicable Dan.

(Dan enters)

Dan: I'm here for the rent money, Farmer Greer.

Greer: I ain't got the money, Despicable Dan.

Dan: Then, I'll just have to take your farm.

Greer: Please, not my farm! It's all I have!

Dan: (to the tune of "Jimmy Crack Corn")

Gimme your farm, and I don't care.

Gimme your farm, and I don't care.

Gimme your farm, and I don't care.

The payment's due today.

Greer: But don't ya think I could get an extraction?

Dan: I think you mean 'extension.'

Narrator: Farmer Greer wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed.

Dan: But the answer's still 'no.' However, I've got another propostion for you.

Dan: (to the tune of "Jimmy Crack Corn")

Gimme that gal to be my wife.

Gimme that gal to be my wife.

Gimme that gal to be my wife.

Then you can keep your farm.

Greer: My daughter? Marry you? I'd rather die!

Dan: Business before pleasure, old man. Let's hear what Polly Sue has to say about it. Maybe she'd like a rich, handsome husband like me.

Polly: (to the tune of "Have It Your Way" Burger King commercial)

Hold the hugs, and hold the kisses,

You want me to be your missus.

But what I must say to this is:

Never, no way.

Chorus:

Never, noooo way. Never, no way.

Never, noooo way. Never, no way.

Narrator: Not even Polly Sue was deperate enough to marry Despicable Dan. Farmer Greer, on the other hand, felt the proposition was worth at least thinking about. Aghast, Polly berated her father for even considering trading away his own flesh and blood for a mere piece of real estate, no matter where interest rates stood. She wept and pleaded with her father, but instead of showing you all that stuff, we'll just skip ahead to the part where Despicable Dan kidnaps Polly and carries her off to a lonely shack on the far end of Farmer Greer's property.

(Greer exits)

Polly: Despicable Dan, you are the evilest man alive!

Dan: That's "most evil," not "evilest."

Narrator: Polly Sue's education had been somewhat neglected.

Dan: But any way you say it, you're right, my dear.

Dan: (to the tune of "The Man on the Flying Trapeeze")

I swindle the poor, and I do it with ease.

I'm mean to the old folks whenever I please.

I like to take candy from all the bay-bees.

Despicable Dan is my name.

I charge all my tenants exhorbitant rates.

You'll find I'm the villain that everyone hates.

I'm also most wanted in forty-nine states.

Despicable Dan is my name.

Narrator: Our Polly was not a happy camper.

Polly: You may be Despicable Dan now, but your name will be mud when my hero gets here.

Dan: Your hero? Bwa-ha-ha! Do you expect him to pop in out of thin air?

Narrator: And, as if on cue, Will Victor, clean-cut, all-American boy, leaped into the shack.

(Will jumps into the scene)

Dan: Will Victor? Where did you come from?

Will: I'm so glad you asked.

(to the tune of "I've Been Working on the Railroad")

I ran off to join the army

Many years ago.

I was stationed in Alaska

Where it's ten degrees below.

But I suffered from the frostbite,

So, they sent me home.

Now I've come to marry Polly,

Never more to roam.

Polly, won't you be,

Polly, won't you be,

Polly, won't you be my little wife?

Polly, won't you be,

Polly, won't you be,

Polly, won't you be my bride?

Polly: Oh, Will! Yes, I'll marry you!

(Polly runs into Will's arms)

Dan: Aren't you two forgetting something?

Will: What?

Dan: Me! (pulls out stick of dynamite) If I can't marry Polly Sue, nobody will!

(to the tune of Toys R Us commercial)

Now you're gonna blow up

When the dynamite goes.

There won't be nothin' left of you

But two or three toes.

Now you're gonna blow up,

And when you do,

I won't shed any tears for you!

Narrator: What a predicament for sweet Polly and Will! It looked like there was no way out! Polly felt faint, and Will...

Will (to Narrator): Will you pipe down? I'm tryin' to think! Aha! I got it!

Polly: You've thought of a way to defeat the villain? Do you have a weapon?

Will: Nope. I have a salami and sardine sandwich! (Pulls out foil)

Polly: How can you think of food at a time like this?

(Will holds up foil)

Narrator: Holding up the aluminum foil from his sandwich, Will enterprisingly reflected the rays of the setting sun directly into the beady eyes of Despicable Dan.

(Dan covers his eyes; Will grabs the dynamite)

Dan: Curses! Foiled again!!!

Narrator: Although the danger was now past, Farmer Greer still didn't have the money to pay the rent.

Dan: Hey, that's right!

Will: Blabbermouth!

Polly: Oh, Will, what'll we do? I may have to marry Despicable Dan after all!

Will: Aw, nuts! (tosses dynamite off stage)

Narrator: The dynamite caused a tremendous explosion, which you will have to imagine for yourselves. But when the smoke had cleared, Polly, Will, and Dan gazed out the window in amazement.

Will: The dynamite uncovered a gold mine on your property!

Polly: We're rich! My hero!

Dan: You haven't seen the last of me! I'll get you, my pretty! And your little farm, too!

(Dan slinks off stage)

Will: Well, Polly, a happy endin' like this makes a body feel like singin'.

Polly: That's a cue if ever I heard one.

(Will and Polly exit)

Chorus (to the tune of the ending theme of "Gilligan's Island")

Now this is the tale of Farmer Greer

And his daughter Polly Sue.

It's not exactly Shakespeare but

It's the best that we could do,

The best that we could do.

So, if you liked this little tale,

Dramatized with song,

We'll put it on again next time.

And you can sing along.

(exit)

copyright 2019 by Linda Campanella and Whatsits Galore

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