coonskin cap or fur hat
2 sticks; bedroll, sleeping bag, or similar rolled-up cloth; if you memorize, you'll need a map, but if you read your parts, you can just use the script
(Lewis & Clark enter; Clark wears coonskin cap, carries a bedroll & a map)
Lewis: Well, William, by my reckoning, we've gone about 15 miles today. I think we've done enough for one day.
Clark: Good thing, Meriwether, I'm bushed. Can we stop now?
Lewis: Yep. Let's look for a good place to set up camp for the night.
Clark: Why don't we make camp near the river? Then we'll have plenty of water.
Lewis: Good idea. And maybe we'll take a refreshing swim to cool off. You do know how to swim, don't you?
Clark: Sure. I learned to swim the old-fashioned way. When I was a boy, my father took me out on a boat to the middle of the lake, and threw me in the water.
Lewis: And you learned to swim?
Clark: It was easy! The only hard part was getting out of the sack.
Lewis: Anyway, let's go to the river. We'll use that map you've been dreawing as we went along. Let me see it.
(Lewis looks at Clark's script)
Lewis: I can't make heads or tails of this map you drew. What's this notation: Beethoven Falls?
Clark: I figure, since we were mapping all these things, we get to name them, too. I named the waterfall after that famous German composer, Ludwig Van Falls.
Lewis: What are those pointy things?
Clark: Those are the mountains.
Lewis: And what's that? A mushroom?
Clark: That's a tree. A dogwood, to be precise.
Lewis: How do you know a dogwood from any other tree?
Clark: You can tell by the bark.
Lewis: What's that squiggly line?
Clark: That's the river.
Lewis: And what are those 2 dots?
Clark: That's you and me.
Lewis: You drew us on the map?
Clark: Well, you said to make it as detailed as possible.
Lewis: Never mind. We'll just set up camp right here. We'll have to make do with the water in our canteens.
Clark: Don't worry, to make our water last longer, we can always dilute it.
Lewis: I just hope we don't run into any unfriendly Indians tonight.
Clark: I brought some blankets with a camouflage pattern. That should hide us.
Lewis: Good thinking! Where are they?
Clark: I laid them down, and now I can't find them.
Lewis: Okay, forget that. Let's just build a fire. Rub those 2 sticks together until you get a spark.
(Clark rubs sticks together)
Lewis: Would it go faster if I helped you?
Clark: It would go faster if I used the matches in my pocket.
Lewis: Well, use them, then!
Clark: They won't light. I don't understand it, I tested each one before we left.
Lewis: Enough, already! When you finish that, you can pitch the tent.
(While Lewis is looking the other way, Clark tosses bedroll offstage)
Lewis: Well, did you pitch the tent?
Clark: I sure did.
Lewis: Where is it?
Clark: I pitched it into the ravine.
Lewis: Dont you know we need that? How will we get a good night's sleep now? And tomorrow we have to hike another 50 miles.
Clark: It won't be so bad. I'll take the first 25 miles, and you take the rest.
Lewis: Y'know, Will, your IQ wouldn't make a respectable earthquake.
Clark: Sorry, Merry.
Lewis: That's Meri-wether. Never mind the tent. What's for supper? Do we have any more of that venison from yesterday?
Clark: That wasn't venison.
Lewis: It wasn't? Then what was it?
Clark: Well, I wanted to stretch our food supply, so I've been trying to live off the land.
Lewis: What was it?
Clark: (points to hat) See my new hat?
Lewis: A raccoon?! I'm almost afraid to ask this but...what about the stuff we had the night before? What was that? The stuff with so much garlic it nearly choked me.
Clark: Oh, that wasn't garlic. That was one of those black-and-white kitties.
Lewis: You can't go around serving up every critter you see out here.
Clark: Only the dead ones. Like, see that mountain lion over there? I'd never try to cook that.
Lewis: A mountain lion!? We're finished! They can leap 25 feet!
Clark: That's no problem. He's only 10 feet away. He'll jump right past us.
Lewis: Will! We're in luck! The lion's walking away!
Clark: He was probably scared off by the bear.
Clark: Yeah, right over there. And it looks hungry! What are we going to do?
Lewis: Taste good, I guess.
Clark: Not me! I'm getting out of here!
Lewis: Why bother? You can't outrun a bear.
Clark: I don't have to. I only have to outrun you. (Clark runs offstage)
Lewis: How do you like that? He finally did something smart! (Lewis runs offstage)
copyright 2014-2018 by Linda Campanella and Whatsits Galore
Return to Skits & Bits