Characters (can be male or female):
none; Doctor can wear a lab coat, scrubs, or stethoscope if desired
Doctor: Next patient, please.
Doctor: Oh, it's you again. What's the trouble this time?
Patient: Oh, doctor, I think I broke my arm in two places!
Doctor: Well, stay out of those places.
Patient: I also have this pain in my right leg.
Doctor: That's just old age.
Patient: But my left leg doesn't hurt, and it's just as old. Not only that, but I'm having trouble sleeping.
Doctor: Just sit on the edge of the bed. You'll soon drop off.
Patient: And yesterday I swallowed a chicken bone.
Doctor: Are you choking?
Patient: No, I'm serious.
Doctor: Any other problems?
Patient: I can't stop my hands from shaking.
Doctor: Do you drink a lot?
Patient: No, I spill most of it. But when I do drink a cup of coffee, I get a terrible pain in my eye.
Doctor: Try taking the spoon out of the cup.
Patient: That doesn't sound very professional. Can I get a second opinion?
Doctor: Sure, come back tomorrow.
Patient: Can you cure my sleepwalking?
Doctor: Take these.
Patient: What are they? Sleeping pills?
Doctor: No, thumb tacks. Put them on the floor around your bed. That'll cure you.
Patient: But, doctor, I'm a wreck. My heart is racing, my stomache is nauseated, my kidneys are shot.
Doctor: Never mind the organ recital. Did you follow my instructions and gargle one hour before breakfast every day?
Patient: I tried, but I could only keep it up for 15 minutes.
Doctor: All right, then, take this red pill with a glass of water in the morning, and this blue pill with a glass of water in the afternoon, and this green pill with a glass of water at night.
Patient: Doctor, what's wrong with me?
Doctor: You're not drinking enough water. Now, is there anything else?
Patient: I'm having trouble with my breathing.
Doctor: I'll put a stop to that.
Patient: Also my mind keeps wandering.
Doctor: Don't worry, it's too weak to get far.
Patient: I feel like I'm at death's door.
Doctor: I'll pull you through.
Patient: I think I have water on the brain. What's the treatment for that?
Doctor: Oh, usually just a tap on the head.
Patient: Lately, I snore so loudly, I wake myself up.
Doctor: Have you tried sleeping in another room?
Patient: I'm also worried about my waistline.
Doctor: You'll have to diet.
Patient: What color? Besides that, I think I may have low blood pressure.
Doctor: Wait'll you get my bill. That'll fix it.
Patient: I swallowed a clock last year.
Doctor: Why didn't you come to me sooner?
Patient: I didn't want to alarm anybody.
Doctor: All right, I'll give you a prescription.
Patient: Will these pills really work?
Doctor: I think so. Nobody's ever come back for more.
Patient: Those last pills you gave me just made me worse.
Doctor: Did you follow the instructions: take every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday, and skip the rest of the days of the week?
Patient: Yes, but all that skipping was exhausting!
Doctor: What about the pills I gave you before that?
Patient: They gave me a broken leg.
Doctor: How could pills give you a broken leg?
Patient: You told me to follow the prescription. Well, it blew out the window.
Doctor: By the way, are you signed up to be an organ donor?
Patient: No, but I once gave a piano to the Salvation Army.
Doctor: Do you have any other symptoms I should know about?
Patient: I think I'm losing my memory.
Doctor: When did this start?
Patient: When did what start? I should tell you I still see spots in front of my eyes.
Doctor: Did you get the glasses I suggested?
Patient: Yes. Now I see the spots much more clearly. And I think I'm catching a cold.
Doctor: There's no cure for the common cold.
Patient: But you have to do something.
Doctor: All right. Go home and take a hot bath. Then open all the windows and stand in the draft.
Patient: If I do that, I'll get pneumonia!
Doctor: I know. I can cure pneumonia.
Patient: My kids say I don't love them any more. I haven't kissed or hugged them since my last visit.
Doctor: Why not?
Patient: The medecine you gave me says, "Keep away from children." I also have a pain in my side. Do you think I have acute appendicitis?
Doctor: It's not bad, but I've seen cuter.
Patient: If you won't take out my appendix, I'll just perform my own operation.
Doctor: Well, suture self.
Patient: I'm still having these headaches. Did you get the results from the x-rays you took of my head?
Doctor: We x-rayed your head and found nothing.
Patient: I don't understand why you can't find anything wrong with me. Are you sure you know what you're doing?
Doctor: Of course! I've been in practice for twenty years.
Patient: After all that time, you'd think you'd stop practicising and get it right. I heard about a man who was being treated for diptheria, and he died of typhus.
Doctor: Don't worry. If I treat you for diptheria, you'll die of diptheria.
Patient: Doctor, I've been coming to you for years, but you never seem to find out what's wrong. Have you made a diagnosis?
Doctor: Yes. You're a hypochondriac.
Patient: I knew it! Will I need surgery for that?
Doctor: No, it means your illness is all in your head.
Patient: I need brain surgery?!
Doctor: Calm down. You only think you're sick.
Patient: How can that be? I hurt all over.
Doctor: What do you mean, "all over?"
Patient: Watch. (Paient pokes self with one finger over and over in different spots) Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Doctor: Oh, you have a broken finger.
Patient: Is that all? Can't you prescribe something?
Doctor: All right. Here's a prescription.
Patient: I can't read your handwriting. What does it say?
Doctor: It says, "Find another doctor, and call him in the morning."
copyright 2017-2018 by Linda Campanella and Whatsits Galore
Return to Skits & Bits